4:13 Podcast: Can I Build a Life I Love Without Having Everything I Want? With Meghan Ryan Asbury [Episode 351]

Meghan Ryan Asbury: I think it's really easy to look around us and think, man, everyone else has figured this out. They got the secret handbook to how to get the life they want, and I somehow missed the memo. Or maybe God just has more favor on them than he does on me, because all of these people seem to be getting what I want and I can't figure out how to get it.

And I think that's a really dangerous place for us to be because it makes us discount what's right in front of us. And I think God in his sovereignty has placed us in such specific places for really specific purposes, and it's really hard to find those purposes if we're just really distracted by what we lack and if we're focusing on what we don't have.

Jennifer Rothschild: Do you know what FOMO is? Well, I bet you do. It's the fear of missing out. And we all feel it in different seasons for different reasons. But what if you found out that you are not missing out at all? What if you found out that even if you aren't exactly where you want to be, you are not behind?

Well, today's guest, Meghan Asbury, is going to help you see that the life you have is the life you actually want. She is going to help you build a life you love with the one you already have. It's good stuff today, so let's get it going.

KC Wright: Welcome to the 4:13 Podcast, where practical encouragement and biblical wisdom set you up to live the "I Can" life, because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Now, welcome your host and my soul sister, Jennifer Rothschild.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hey, friends, Jennifer here, helping you be and do more than you feel capable of as you're living the "I Can" life of Philippians 4:13. Me and KC here in the podcast closet. If you're new to us, that's KC Wright. He's my Seeing Eye Guy. And it's just two friends and one topic and zero stress in the closet.

And, you know, KC, I was thinking about the topic we're talking about today --

KC Wright: Yeah, come on.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- not having everything you want.

KC Wright: Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Rothschild: I think I have everything I want until I go to Costco.

KC Wright: Okay.

Jennifer Rothschild: Right?

KC Wright: Yeah. I'm gonna ask you, do you love -- do you love a Sam's or do you love a Costco?

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, if I have to -- if I get to choose --

KC Wright: Okay.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- I prefer Costco.

KC Wright: Yeah, me too.

Jennifer Rothschild: But I'm grateful for Sam's.

KC Wright: I am too. Thank you, Sam's.

Jennifer Rothschild: Now, same with Target and Walmart.

KC Wright: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: I like to go to Target because I like their clothes and I like their home goods. But I've heard Walmart has upped their game. So, yeah, I think I would go to Target -- I mean -- I'm sorry -- Costco. And they also have got really good snacks.

KC Wright: Well, you can just graze all day, when you walk through Costco, with all the different samples. There is a dip there with some jalapeno peppers and a little cranberry. And if you eat that, you will fall into the tub and you need to have backup and paramedics to pull you out because you'll eat the whole thing in one sitting. Elly -- Elly won't let me buy it anymore. She goes, "Daddy, you're gonna eat that whole thing" --

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: -- and it's bad." But I love me a Costco chicken.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, their rotisserie chickens are good. And they're cheap.

KC Wright: Yeah. The other day I -- you never go grocery shopping while you're hungry, right?

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, no.

KC Wright: But we all do it.

Jennifer Rothschild: Right.

KC Wright: Okay. And I spent way too much money at Costco. But then I get out into the car, in the Jeep. And I had already made a commitment to eat healthy, I just bought all this healthy food, but now I'm starving. And there's a Taco Bell and a Wendy's, and I'm saying, "No, KC. You just bought this healthy food." So sitting there in my Jeep, I grabbed me a chicken leg. And I'm telling you what, I have never felt more like a man eating a piece of meat in the parking lot of Costco like a caveman. And people are driving by, and I'm like gnawing on a chicken leg.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay, that's funny. You know, sometimes when we go to Silver Dollar City, an amusement park, Phil always gets the big turkey leg.

KC Wright: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: And he's the same thing. He's like, "I feel such a man right now."

KC Wright: It's so caveman.

Jennifer Rothschild: It is so caveman.

KC Wright: It's taken us back.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. But you were telling me a couple weeks ago -- that just reminded me of the rotisserie.

KC Wright: Okay.

Jennifer Rothschild: You were telling me something about a meme you saw. Okay, let me just say this, y'all. Sometimes when some of us go to the movies, we might stick a Snickers in our pocket so we don't have to pay $17 for it at the theater. Right?

KC Wright: Right.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. So tell them that meme you saw. That cracked me up.

KC Wright: Oh, my goodness. It was just a funny little meme of this woman. And she's got this huge, huge hat on, right? This huge hat. And it said, "Look, it's you sneaking a rotisserie chicken into the movie theater."

Jennifer Rothschild: So, KC, that should have been you under that hat. That's that picture. That's funny.

KC Wright: Oh, my goodness.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. Well, that also makes me know what I'm gonna plan for dinner tonight. So when we're done with the podcast, it's a road trip to Costco.

KC Wright: But talking about fun things that we love, I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I look forward to Jennifer's favorite things.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh.

KC Wright: I really do.

Jennifer Rothschild: That's fun, yeah.

KC Wright: I know, that's so much fun. Like, that last time you were pulling out all the gadgets.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: And then I honestly wanted all of them. And you gave me one of them.

Jennifer Rothschild: I did.

KC Wright: But that's one of my favorite things.

Jennifer Rothschild: In fact -- that's funny you said that. Okay, so some of you don't know what he's talking about. We will put a link to that on our Show Notes so that you can see my favorite things. Yeah, they're very practical.

KC Wright: They are. And you want them all. And they're so smart. And we both have an addiction to Amazon.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: It's bad. We need prayer. Just pray for us.

Jennifer Rothschild: We need prayer or a bigger bank account.

KC Wright: Sometimes I'll come home and all these boxes will be on the porch and I'll be like, "Look, somebody loves me."

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, my gosh.

KC Wright: Oh, it's me. I love me.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, my goodness. All right, let's get to the real conversation here.

KC Wright: Meghan Ryan Asbury is an author and speaker who is passionate about helping people. She wants to help people find and live out their God-given callings. She's worked in ministry both on college campuses and internationally, as well as with Proverbs 31 Ministries. When she's not surrounded by friends, you can usually find her reading just a good book or doing something outdoors. She's a Florida beach girl born and raised. She and her husband now live in Nash, Vegas, Tennessee.

All right, here is Jennifer and Meghan.

Jennifer Rothschild: Meghan, I'm glad you're with us. And we're going to talk about your book, which is entitled "You Are Not Behind." So, of course, that question comes to mind. It's like, ooh, well, has Meghan felt like she was behind or -- so is feeling like you are behind something you've observed in others or experienced yourself? And give us a picture of what it feels like and looks like for us to feel like we're behind.

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yeah, absolutely. I personally have experienced it in a lot of different ways, and I think for a long time I actually thought I was alone in that.

I remember around the time I started thinking about this topic, I was in my late twenties, one of, like, the few friends of mine that were still single. Had lots of friends starting families or feeling like they were really accelerating in their careers, and was just sitting around thinking, like, man, this is not where I thought I would be at this point in life and I feel really behind. And then I started talking to friends about it and realized that everyone kind of felt that way, regardless of their relationship status or where they were in their career or even how much money they were making or just different things.

In one way, shape, or form, it seemed to be like everyone felt like they were behind. And I just found myself asking God, like, Okay, if everyone feels this way, what do you have to say about that, and is there a way that we can actually live differently?

Jennifer Rothschild: That's super interesting to me. Because what you're saying, it's not a product of your season or your circumstances, it's human nature almost.

So I'm curious, then, like, what you've discovered, because one of the themes in your book is embracing God's purpose. Okay? So I'm curious how that affects us feeling like we're behind, and, like -- and then let's be very specific. How do we know what our purpose is?

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yeah. I think it's really easy to look around us and think, man, everyone else has figured this out. They got the secret handbook to how to get the life they want, and I somehow missed the memo. Or maybe God just has more favor on them than he does on me, because all of these people seem to be getting what I want and I can't figure out how to get it.

And I think that's a really dangerous place for us to be because it makes us discount what's right in front of us. And I think God in his sovereignty has placed us in such specific places for really specific purposes, and it's really hard to find those purposes if we're just really distracted by what we lack and if we're focusing on what we don't have.

And so one of my favorite verses is in Psalm 34, and it says that those who fear the Lord lack no good thing. And if that's true, then that means the life in front of me must have purpose.

And so I think when we actually take a step back and kind of look at, okay, where am I feeling behind? Where am I struggling with comparing myself to other people? And is this thing that I want really actually a good thing for me? Is it something that's going to make me more like Jesus? Is it something that's going to bring me closer to the Lord or is it just going to make me look good in the eyes of what the world sees?

And kind of asking ourselves some of those questions and looking for our purpose in what God has for us and not what the world tells us is where we're supposed to be.

Jennifer Rothschild: That's really good. Because sometimes we do miss, like you said, what's right in front of us because we're looking for what we think we need or don't have or...

And God, he's a present God. So the season you're in is not -- it wasn't, like, a mistake. He didn't miss paying attention to what you need. So, yeah, there is purpose in it. And that's really good. Sometimes God's purpose is just right there in the present being obedient in the moment you're in.

And you mentioned something that makes me think of a chapter. You wrote a chapter called "What Do I really Want?" Okay? And so in this chapter, you guide readers through some self-reflection. So give us a feel for the kind of questions or exercises that you recommend for this process so that we can really discern what we really want and -- you know. So give us a picture of what that would look like.

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yeah. In that chapter particularly, I talk a lot about the concept of idolatry. And I think for better or for worse, we have a little bit of a misunderstanding of what that means.

I think if you grew up in kind of church culture, idolatry can be something that you are constantly worried that you are wrestling with. So you're constantly like, "I don't want to make this an idol," so you act like you don't want something. But desire and contentment are not mutually exclusive. We can still long for something to be different and find contentment in the Lord.

And so in this chapter, I kind of found myself at this point where I felt like a lot of my circumstances were out of my control and a lot of the things I really wanted at the time just seemed to be contingent on other people's decisions or just outside circumstances. So I sat down and I was trying to think, okay, if I can't make this thing happen in my life, is there something deeper to this that I can do?

And so I ask myself these kind of three questions. The first one is what do I want? And I kind of wrote a personal list of I wanted at the time. And it was I really wanted to be married, I wanted to live in a particular neighborhood that my friends lived in, and I wanted to have more leadership responsibility at work. And all those three things, there's a lot of factors that were not -- that I couldn't just muster up and make happen.

Jennifer Rothschild: Sure.

Meghan Ryan Asbury: And so the second question I asked myself is, okay, why do I really want these things? Why do I want to be married? Why do I want to live in this neighborhood? Why do I want to have leadership at work?

And this didn't all just come out in one sitting. I really had to think about this question for several days of, okay, like, I want to be married because I want to have a companion in life. I don't want to feel alone, I want to feel like I have someone I can make decisions with. I want to feel like it's not all up to me, and there's something about marriage that makes -- that I feel like would give that to me.

And I went through that same question for the other two categories as well. And then at the end, I asked myself, is there a way I can have these things even if I don't get any of the stuff in the first column? If I never get married, if I can't live in this neighborhood, and if I don't get more leadership at work, are there things beneath that that I can have?

And so after talking with some friends about it and just praying about it, I realized there was some ways I could do that. And while, no, maybe I couldn't just snap my fingers and get leadership at work, I could practice leadership in other areas of my life, whether it was through church or leading a college girls group, or it was even at work, just choosing to be a leader in what I was given responsibility of.

And with the neighborhood, like, okay, maybe I can't control living in this particular neighborhood, but I could choose to find a place to live where there are other people maybe my age or in season of life that I could build community with and I could find that kind of settledness in building community in the place that I live.

And so as I kind of asked myself those questions, I realized God does give us freedom to make decisions, and he does give us tools to build a life we love, even if it doesn't look like we thought it would. And those three questions really helped me kind of get beneath the surface of, like, okay, if this circumstance doesn't ever change, what do I really want about it that I can find in my life today?

Jennifer Rothschild: That's really good, because desires, they're not a dead end and they're not a beginning. They are a reflection of what's underneath, and they lead to -- hopefully, if we're walking with Christ, they lead to ultimately getting what we are supposed to have, what are -- what we really need. So I love that you asked those three questions. And I just think that exercise is so smart, so I love that you've got that resource.

But also you have another exercise called 30 Questions to Ask Your Friend at Coffee. Okay. Now, I didn't read through it yet, but here's what I'm curious about. Why'd you include it? Because especially for females, conversation seems somewhat easy for most women. But seriously, why is it important to look -- you know, go through an exercise like this, have some resource like this, and what's the point of it?

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yeah. I'm so glad you asked. So I have a chapter in here about community. And I think community is a really important piece, and not feeling like we're behind in life because we can easily start to segment ourselves off based on what season of life we're in or where we live or what we do for work, and we can kind of discount people's ability to speak into our lives if they're not actually in the situation that we're in.

And something I hear people say all the time is like, oh, you don't understand because you're not struggling with blank, or you don't understand because you're not my age or -- insert whatever it is. And I think that's just really unfortunate that we can do that because it really discounts people's abilities to speak into our lives.

And so one question I feel like I talked to some friends about was this idea of when you see someone, you ask them what's new. And you can kind of start to panic and go, well, what is new? Like, I haven't gone on a really great trip lately, like, I -- no big life changes happened. And then you start to wonder, am I boring? Am I missing something? Do other people have new things going on? And it can just get us in this cycle of perpetually thinking there's something else around the corner that's going to be more exciting to talk about or my life is only as interesting as what I have going on, when the reality is most of our life is spent in really mundane, boring moments.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Meghan Ryan Asbury: And so I'm a big question girl. Like, if you ask anyone who knows me, my group of friends, they would say I always come with some interesting question to talk about. And so I thought, okay, I'm just going to include some, because I think often we need to be the ones to start and initiate those conversations.

And so the questions range from really shallow, superficial things like what was the last thing you were influenced by? But when you ask someone that, it creates just more longevity and more people feel seen when you're asking them questions that aren't just based on whether or not they have some big milestone they've crossed.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay, that's super interesting, because I -- I appreciate good questions myself, so I never ask any of my people, "How are you?" or "What's new?" I always say, "Give me an adjective to describe how you're feeling today" --

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yes.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- or the adjective that best describes your life right now. Because they have to think a little harder and then it gives you a chance to then ask why and what that represents and -- yeah, so I think as a community of Christ, being willing to answer questions, but thinking thoroughly enough and caring about people enough to ask questions that actually build bridges and make people feel seen. I love that you've done that, Meghan, I really do.

You also have a chapter -- I thought the title was great. "When the Thing You Look Forward To the Most Made You Feel the Worst About Yourself." I mean, there you go. There's a whole chapter of content in one title. We get that idea. So you deal with unmet expectations. So give us an idea of a healthy way -- no. First of all, give us an idea of what it feels like to have unmet expectations. Because some people don't even press into the feeling of what that is and they just move with the discontent into something else. Okay? So what does an unmet expectation feel like? And then how can we then learn to begin to reconcile those expectations with the reality?

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yeah. So this chapter was just really fun to write for me, because it just got me thinking when we feel like our life doesn't start until blank happens, like my life doesn't -- once I finally reach this point or, you know -- I mean, this time of year especially it's like once, you know, the season is finally over, or once everyone goes back to school, or once everyone gets out of school, we can kind of start to look at life that way. And then when that time comes and it doesn't actually change how we feel, that can be really disappointing.

But I think even bigger than that, when we finally get the thing, whatever that thing is for you that you've so desperately longed for, in some way, shape, or form it's never gonna -- never gonna meet the expectation. You know, there's always gonna be something about it that just didn't quite hit the mark, whether it's a really awesome vacation you went on or, you know, finally getting married or finally having kids. All of these things come with -- they also come with things that are hard.

And so I give this example of, you know, you are looking forward to going to a girls' night with your friends, and you've been really excited about meeting up with them for dinner, and there's a big party and you're going to get to catch up with everybody. And then you get there, and maybe you are like me and you showed up in, like, shorts and a T-shirt, and everyone else has on a really cute dress. And you're going, oh, no, I did not get the dress code memo for this party and now I am the only one who is not looking cute. So you're already a little bit timid that, okay, this party may not be as fun as I thought it was going to be because everyone else got the dress code memo.

And then you start listening to your -- you know, one conversation people are talking about all the things in life that you wish you had. So they're talking about their kids getting into the private school they wanted to get into, or the new car that their husband bought them, or -- you know, just talking about all the great things going on, and you're again thinking, I have nothing new going on, so then you're feeling a little bit more insecure. And then you're realizing that, you know, this other group of people has all been getting together every week this summer to do a book club and they didn't invite you, and then you start thinking, is something wrong with me? You know, why wasn't I invited?

And all of a sudden, what started as a party you're really looking forward to turns into, I'm questioning every decision I've made in my life because I wore the wrong outfit to this party. And I know that's a silly, small example, but I think it really shows that we can just get overly invested in an outcome and instead just miss the joy of being present there.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Meghan Ryan Asbury: And when our expectations aren't met, we usually have two options. We can, you know, stuff that down and pretend that we're not disappointed or we can kind of run the opposite direction and try to find something new to fill us.

And I think in that we just miss a moment of intimacy with the Lord to say, hey, I was looking forward to this and it just didn't measure up. And I think in that, God often shows us his perspective, and it also just reminds us of the bigger, more eternal perspective that this side of heaven a lot of things are going to disappoint us and a lot of the things we put our hope in are going to let us down, because our hope is meant to be put in the Lord.

And in Romans 5 it says those who hope in the Lord will not be put to shame. But we have to put our hope in the right place. And so -- and a lot of this book is talking about how do we put our hope in the correct place. Because it's hard to feel like you're behind when your hope is in the Lord alone.

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, isn't that the truth. And what's interesting is you're describing -- I'm especially thinking of women, because I am probably somewhat older than you. And it might be different circumstances, but it's the same feelings. And it all comes down to ourselves. It really does. Our level of self-awareness, self --- our expectations. But when we can become more God focused, our hope in him, more other centered -- I'm not saying you're not in that scenario, but you know what I mean. When it becomes about us, we're never going to have our expectations met.

So it's such a good exercise even -- I was thinking as you described that scenario, instead of sitting there alone in your misery, if you're in a situation similar to that, you start to ask those questions, your three questions. What do I really want? Because that exposes something much deeper and it shows us, Meghan, that what we want deeply, we've got, an unconditional acceptance and love by God. I mean, gosh, what more could we want?

I have a lot of single friends too, and as we're having this conversation, I'm so aware of the things that -- and I'm saying this to my married friends out there -- that single women deal with that married women have forgotten what it feels like. So being part of a community. We need to be mindful and press into this too.

The struggle is real when you have longings that haven't been met, especially in the area of marriage and family. So I appreciate you also, Meghan, for just kind of reminding the married ladies out there, including me, that this is a thing. And we've all been there. We want to love each other well. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to say all that. But I just thought -- I'm very grateful for what you've done here, and I know the book will be a super big help also.

So we're going to get to this last question, though, because I think women are identifying with what you're talking about for different reasons. They're feeling left behind. What can they do today? Like, what's very practical? Besides getting your book, of course. Before they get your book, what can they do to start changing that feeling or mitigate those emotions?

Meghan Ryan Asbury: Yeah. I think one of the first steps that people can take is just, like, acknowledging the things that make us feel behind are so different wherever -- depending on what season of life we're in and depending on where we even live in the country might constitute being behind.

In Nashville, Tennessee, where I live, is drastically different than what is defined as being behind with my friends who live in New York City. And so I think just acknowledging that in some way everyone feels this way. And it's so -- the definitions can be so different depending on where you are.

And so one of the first things I kind of prompt readers to do is to just admit where we feel like life is not meeting our expectations and just have a raw moment of honesty with God and saying, hey, this is where I thought I would be at this point in my life, and here's all the things I feel like I'm lacking, and just laying that before the Lord with honesty. Because I think often, especially as women, we like to pretend that we don't feel that way. Or maybe we have a misunderstanding of contentment and we think that if we act like we don't want something, we might actually get it, which is not biblical contentment at all.

And so I think just having that moment with the Lord is a really practical way to start. It's not going to change your feelings, it's not going to change your circumstances, but it is going to open up your heart and just open up that dialog with the Lord of, like, okay, now that I've, like, admitted this, how do we start to, like, change our perspectives and how do we start to dream and imagine loving the life right in front of us, and what could that possibly look like? And usually the first step is getting grateful for what's in front of you.

Jennifer Rothschild: Simply put, get grateful. First step is you acknowledge what makes you feel behind. Acknowledge that that feeling is universal, like, everybody feels it, but it can still be unique to each of us. Then we admit where we feel like life has disappointed us. Lay it before God.

KC Wright: Yep. Being honest and just admitting will open your heart. And then, as she said, getting grateful for what is right in front of you.

Well, our people, this was so good. It was another good conversation. And if you want to review it, you can go to the Show Notes for a full transcript at 413podcast.com/351. And we'll have links to Meghan's books right there, plus some books by our girl Jennifer that'll fill out your library so perfectly well. Because if you're a book lover, you struggle with shelf control. Get it? Shelf control -- okay, dad joke.

Well, you know the ending, so here I go. You can get grateful and love the life you have, because you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. I can.

Jennifer Rothschild: I can.

Jennifer and KC: And you can.

KC Wright: You know, I was thinking.

Jennifer Rothschild: What were you thinking?

KC Wright: That is the number one way to stay in the Spirit, to live life in the Spirit, to be grateful --

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: -- and to be thankful.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: And if you want to get out of the Spirit, start grumbling and complaining. Come on, somebody.

Jennifer Rothschild: Right?

KC Wright: So anyway, we're ending with we're most thankful for you.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: We love you, 4:13ers.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, we do.

KC Wright: Thank you for making us a part of your day. It's a big deal.

Jennifer Rothschild: Sure is.