4:13 Podcast: Can I Survive a Lifequake and Trust That God’s Got Me? With Tracie Miles [Episode 342]

Tracie Miles: We need to embrace where we are, we need to accept that the changes have happened, even if we didn't invite them in or don't particularly like them, and we have to make the choice to move forward in positive ways and to trust that God has good plans for us and that we still have a purpose and that we can still do so many great things that we may not have been able to do before. And just really accepting that change is what can help us start moving forward.

Jennifer Rothschild: During times of transition, like a move or a divorce or just a new season of life, you need to know that even if you feel out of control, God is still in control. Today's guest, author Tracie Miles, is going to equip you to say goodbye to the way things once were so that you can embrace God's future for you, even if it wasn't the future you expected. Don't let a lifequake shake you. It may be exactly what God has allowed to shape you and remake you. KC, here we go.

KC Wright: Welcome to the 4:13 Podcast. We're so glad you're here. We've got a great podcast for you today, where practical encouragement and biblical wisdom come together to set you up to live the "I Can" life, because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Now, welcome your host, Jennifer Rothschild.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hey, friends. Wow, we've just been having so many good times together here on The 4:13, so many great friends who have joined us, and so I'm glad you're here. If we're new friends, I'm Jennifer, and I'm just here to help you be and do more than you feel capable of as you are learning, along with me and KC Wright, to live this "I Can" life of Philippians 4:13. That was KC, my Seeing Eye Guy, and it's just two friends and one topic and zero stress.

And today we have Tracie Miles with us talking about lifequakes, which, can we be honest --

KC Wright: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- are very stressful.

KC Wright: Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Rothschild: Very stressful.

KC Wright: They're real.

Jennifer Rothschild: Moving, if you've just moved, you know what it feels like to feel totally unmoored, like you have just -- like you're floating in an ocean of uncertainty. We get it. We get it. Divorce, it's such a thing. And it's such a thing that happens even -- you might have been married 25 years and suddenly you're divorced. It's like, what in the world, you know? So, I mean, it's a thing.

And even if you are in a real stable season -- thank you, Lord -- but you know somebody who's experiencing a lifequake, this conversation's going to help you. I mean, one of our most powerful episodes, KC -- though I know it's painful for you -- was the episode where you talked about weathering the storm of divorce. Because if you're new friends, yeah, you may not know that KC's been through quite the lifequake.

KC Wright: Yeah, yeah. And, you know, it's not something you want ever for your life.

Jennifer Rothschild: No, no, no.

KC Wright: But, you know, we read in the Word over and over again that we were born to reign in life and we're the victorious ones. And the truth of all that is there. Greater is he that's in us than he who is in the world, but storms still come.

Jennifer Rothschild: They do.

KC Wright: Yeah. I survived mine.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes, you did.

KC Wright: Be encouraged.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: If you're going through a storm or a lifequake, you too will survive.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes, you will.

KC Wright: But Jason Gray wrote a song, and the song is titled, "A Divorce Is a Death Without a Funeral," and I don't know a better way to sum that up.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: But healing is found in the mighty name of Jesus.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: Healing is found in community, healing is found in the Word of God. And it was a rough storm, but I'm healed --

Jennifer Rothschild: You are.

KC Wright: -- and God is good.

Jennifer Rothschild: And you know what I love too? I kind of said it at the beginning, KC. These lifequakes, God doesn't allow them to have no intention, just to leave you disoriented. I mean, he uses these lifequakes to shape us, to stabilize us, to re-make us.

So one of the stories I love -- I was reading one of my fiction books. I love, by the way, what I call testosterone fiction. And it's all these, you know, shoot-em-up spy novels.

KC Wright: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay, I love it. And Mystery Detective.

So one of them was the Harry Bosch series. Okay? And just as an aside, the author mentions how, you know, Harry is driving down the coast on the Pacific Ocean. And there's these trees called the Manzanita trees. And basically they're just these bushes. And some of them have this very beautiful bark that's kind of this polished resin, you know. But these trees, they don't flower very often. And so, consequently, they have these hard seed pod shells on them, and they just do not open and blossom unless -- unless there is a fire. And then the heat from the fire breaks open that hard shell and then the Manzanita flowers and becomes beautiful.

KC Wright: Whoa.

Jennifer Rothschild: I think that's what you're going to hear today from Tracie. So if you're in a lifequake, if there's a fire, if there's a storm, just know that might be exactly what God is using to bring out your beauty.

So let's introduce Tracie.

KC Wright: Tracie Miles is the best-selling author of seven books. She's a director of COMPEL Pro Writers Training at Proverbs 31 Ministries and the founder of the Living Unbroken Divorce Recovery program. She has three grown children and lives in beautiful -- I'm telling you beautiful -- Charlotte, North Carolina. So here are Tracie and Jennifer.

Jennifer Rothschild: All right, Tracie, in your book "God's Got You" -- which I love the title, because I say that a lot to myself and my people, "God's Got You" -- you talk about lifequakes. Oh, man. So I think intuitively we know what that is, but I want you to tell us, what is a lifequake? And if you're open to it, I would love for you to tell us about your lifequakes and, like, where did they land on the Richter scale? Were they a 2? Were they an 8? Were they a 10? So tell us what a lifequake is and give us a picture of yours.

Tracie Miles: Okay, sure. And thank you for having me today.

The term "lifequake" just kind of came to me when I was writing "God's Got You." And I would have to say that I've had many, which I'm sure many people have.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Tracie Miles: And you kind of get the definition in your head of what a lifequake is. But it's simply something that upsets life as you know it. It could either be just normal changes that happen, or seasons and transitions that we're in, or it could be a major incident that completely rocks your world and makes you question, how did I end up here and who am I and what am I supposed to do next?

And the most recent lifequake that was on a Richter scale of 10 -- if you're going to rate them that way -- was really just getting abruptly separated about nine years ago. It's been right at nine years ago now, which is hard to believe. And so that, of course, turned my life upside down. It was extremely difficult, traumatic, and all the consequences that come along with that. Anyone who's been through it knows there's a lot that you just have to figure out how to endure and really lean on God for.

But then there's also some that would rank on the Richter scale a little bit lower, like, you know, your children are growing up and you're changing as a person and a mom. And there's financial status changes or you get a new job. I was faced with doing that several years ago after the divorce. And then since then, I've experienced the whole empty nest syndrome, which was -- it's not traumatic, but it still kind of turns your life around and leaves you thinking, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? And just things like learning to live alone, hitting those milestones birthdays that we don't love. And I sold my home that I had lived in for 25 years. That was really a difficult season for me to walk through. Getting older, my parents getting older. You know, there's so many different things --

Jennifer Rothschild: Gosh, yes.

Tracie Miles: -- losses that can really -- I could go on and on. So I'll just stop there. But we all can think of our own list of lifequakes. And basically it's just change, whether it's minor change that kind of snuck up on us or a major change that just hit us, you know, out of nowhere. It can make us wonder like, okay, it feels like life is different and unfamiliar and I don't know what to do next.

Jennifer Rothschild: You know, that's so -- I was kind of laughing when you were going through the list, because I thought, yeah and yeah and yes. But it is, a lifequake is a good way to describe it, Tracie, because it kind of shakes you. It shakes you to your core. The foundation that you had been stable on suddenly shifts. And I think sometimes when you -- when you just said there, "and we don't know what to do next," that's what I would ask.

So what happens often, I think, when there's a lifequake, whether it's 10 on the Richter scale, like a divorce -- oh, my goodness -- or whether it seems to register a little lower, you know, like kids leaving home and an empty nest for the first time, whatever it is, sometimes we can just be paralyzed and we can feel stuck. So I am curious, in your opinion, what is the first step to get unstuck? If that's your tendency, just to stick there and get stuck and not know what to do next, what's the first step that you take when a lifequake hits?

Tracie Miles: Yeah. Well, I had to finally realize that if there's one thing about life that's constant, it's that it's ever changing.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Tracie Miles: It will never be the change. Change is always going to happen. And usually when we step into any new season of life or a period of transition, we're going to feel like we're forced to start over again, and then we're forced to start over again in a different way. And it can really wreak havoc on our emotions and our self-confidence, and that's what causes us to start feeling stuck or start feeling hopeless, like, okay, well, I'm never going to survive this, or I'm never going to overcome this hurdle, or I'm never going to be able to reinvent my life or reshape my life the way that I wish that I could. We always think the worst-case scenario.

And so many times we may not like that season that we're in or where God has allowed us to be, but the reality is that change is our reality. And so we have to choose are we going to stay stuck there or are we going to, number one, enjoy where God has us right now, in however way that we can, or are we just going to stay paralyzed? So in most cases we can't change that reality. Whether it's divorce, children growing up, all the other things that I mentioned, that's just life. It's going to keep going on.

So the number one thing that I think that we all need to do is we need to embrace where we are, we need to accept that the changes have happened, even if we didn't invite them in or don't particularly like them, and we have to make the choice to move forward in positive ways and to trust that God has good plans for us and that we still have a purpose and that we can still do so many great things that we may not have been able to do before. And just really accepting that change is what can help us start moving forward.

And one thing I talk a lot about in the book is nobody likes the term "starting over." Oh, gosh, I've got to start over. I feel like I'm back at square one or I don't know which way to turn. But if we look at it differently and we think, okay, I'm not starting over, I'm beginning again. And that just to me -- God kind of brought that phrase to me several years ago in writing this. It just gave it kind of a brighter perspective, like, I'm not starting over from scratch. I have a whole life of lessons I've learned, of experience I've gained, of wisdom, of just all these things that make me who I am. So I'm not starting over where I was before, I'm just beginning again in this new place that God has me.

Jennifer Rothschild: And I love that, because it does, it sounds like hope. And because the title of your book is absolutely true, "God's Got You," you can have the courage and confidence to begin again. So what I heard you say is, okay, so instead of just living in the past, wishing and whining, doesn't mean we don't lament and miss, but we embrace where we are. And it really fits with one of the things you say in your book, because you say in your book that the best gift we can give ourselves is to learn how to transition well. Okay, I love that concept. So explain it.

Tracie Miles: Well, it kind of goes back to what we were just saying, is we can stay stuck and hopeless and mad and angry at God. And why didn't you hear my prayers? And why didn't you answer them? And why did you let this happen? And, gosh, I wish I could go back ten years. You know, so many things that we'd like to change in our life, but we have to transition. And that transitioning well really goes back to believing in that future that God has for us, believing in ourselves. And I do talk a lot in the book about confidence and courage.

And one thing that really I started learning over time is -- people would always tell me on the -- you know, people that I would know in my community -- especially after my divorce, but even through some difficult times prior to that -- Tracie, you're so strong and, you know, you're just so put together and you're so strong. And inside I'm thinking I am the weakest, most falling apart person. But we all feel like we have to put on this persona of we've got this. We've got this all on our own, we're strong, we can handle it. But we do have to lean on God. And so God just kept really inflicting on my heart this thought of, you know, you can do this because I've got you. And that's really how this book title came about, because I could have never gone through some of the really, really difficult circumstances without him.

But I talk a lot about confidence and courage, because one thing I've never been -- I wouldn't call myself a confident person. I've never been that person. There's always been something happening in my life that would chip away at my confidence. And so I would feel like I couldn't really believe in myself and my abilities, you know, my self-reliance or assurance, but I had to do so many things just out of necessity that took courage. And I never really felt I was a brave person either. But as I look back, I can see that courage is just that quality of mind or spirit that enables us to face those difficulties and to face danger and pain, and not without fear, but to do it anyway. And then once we start having that courage and we start moving forward, we start seeing, okay, I got through this hurdle, I overcame this challenge, or God helped me get through this, then we start feeling more confident.

So I started thinking about it different than I think the world does. Like, if you have a lot of confidence, then you're going to be courageous to do these things. But really you have to be courageous in God and courageous in your faith and take those brave steps. And over time, that's when your confidence really starts to build, because you think, okay, well, God had that, and he had me during that, so now I can do this next big thing or even this next small thing that we feel called to do or that we have to do.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay, that's so good. I've been there. I think we've all been there, Tracie. Because I am wired similar to you. People think I am so strong, and I'm not. I don't have confidence.

But, you know, one time I was studying Haggai, and there's a verse in Haggai where the Lord says to his people, "Take courage and work, for I am with you." And I really misunderstood that verse, because I was like, okay, yes, I'll do it. It's on the to-do list. I am going to take courage. I'm going to be brave, right? But when I studied the original language -- I think it's called a passive imperfect, which means it's like the Lord is saying, no, you take courage. In other words, it's like you take courage from me and you agree with that with what you have in you. And so that's what you're saying. Because God's got you, you've got what you need to take courage.

Tracie Miles: Right.

Jennifer Rothschild: That's so where we live, girl. That is so where we live.

But here's one thing that I am curious about, because I know how transition, change, lifequakes affect me. Okay. So when we have a lifequake, sometimes our self-esteem can take a hit. And let's be honest, especially so many women listening right now have experienced rejection, betrayal, especially, like, from a spouse. So I'm curious -- you know, be as honest as you want to be. But did that happen to you? I mean, that's a rock-your-world kind of thing for a woman. So did that happen to you? And, if so, how do you recover your sense of self-esteem and self-worth?

Tracie Miles: Well, it absolutely happened to me. I mentioned earlier there have been a lot of things that have kind of shaken my confidence, and getting separated and divorced was just one of those because all the emotions that come in with, you know, why? Why did that happen? Why did you choose someone other than me and our family? And all the things that come with that. Why was I not good enough? Was I not worthy enough?

But then there have been plenty of other things in my life that were my own choices and my own situations that would cause me to think, okay, I'm not worthy, I'm not forgivable, I'm not usable by God. And the self-esteem is what will keep us from really moving forward. That's why it's so important that we remember God's Word and that he has plans and a purpose for us, and that anything that we do, we can be white -- as clean as snow. And it's easy to forget that and we can let all of the mistakes of our past or harsh words from people that we've heard throughout our lifetime or our parents, or something someone did to us, all of those things can shake our self-esteem.

And it's so important to stay grounded in our faith, because that's where we're going to have the courage, like you're talking about, to not only do things, but just to believe in ourself and to believe that we're a child of God and that we're beautiful and that just because someone says something about us doesn't make it true. And if we can't back it up in God's Word, then it's not true. And so that negative thinking mindset is something that can just shake your self-esteem, just make it go away, because we can constantly be our own worst enemy. And we need to know who we are and we need to see ourselves in the mirror as someone that God created and someone that's beautiful and has a purpose.

And one of the things that I talk about in the book is Jeremiah 29:11. We all know that verse. God has a great plan and a purpose. It's always kind of been my life theme verse. But as I was studying just this concept and researching Scripture and writing "God's Got You," I kind of got a new perspective on this passage. And recognize that even though I've always applied this verse to Tracie, like, God's got a great plan for Tracie. And he does for sure. But this verse is meant towards God's got a great plan for his kingdom. And his plan may not play out the way I want it to in my lifetime or just in different seasons of life, but it is good nonetheless. And what he tells us is even in these transition periods where we don't want to be -- because the Israelites were in captivity, and they didn't want to be there. And then they heard that he's not going to get them out of there for 70 years. That's not the message they wanted to hear. But what he said is live to the fullest. Plant the garden, have your families, get married. This is not maybe where you want to be, but this is where I have you. And so live the life that I've given you. And I think that also just comes from that courage and knowing who we are and whose we are.

Jennifer Rothschild: Ooo, word. Okay, that's so good. And I love -- you just dropped a little phrase there that sometimes we have to have the courage to believe the truth. That's a beautiful word. So I love that. And I love how you gave us the context of Jeremiah 29:11. That helps all of us. Because sometimes we just take that verse as a Hobby Lobby coffee mug verse, you know.

Tracie Miles: Right. That's what I say in the book. I'm like don't throw out your coffee mug, because that verse still is awesome.

Jennifer Rothschild: It is. It still fits. But these people were in exile. And when you've had a lifequake, that's how you may feel too. So cling to that Word. Cling to the Word.

Okay, girl, we're going to get to our last question This is so good. And clearly, I'm grateful you have the book. Because there's some woman listening right now, and she knows, man, I am in a lifequake. Well, Tracie's obviously going to walk with you through the quake, because God's got her, God's got you, and you can do this together. So I'm grateful we're giving one of your books away, Tracie.

But we're going to get to our last question. I want us to end super practical. Because sometimes when we have a need exposed in a conversation like this, we need to know what we can do even before we get the book. Okay? So you talk a lot about -- in your book you talk a lot about making SMART goals. So let's talk about what is a SMART goal, and give our listener right now, someone who's like, okay, I'm in the quake, help her understand what SMART goals are and how she could even begin to apply that right now.

Tracie Miles: Okay, sure. Just to give a little perspective about that, I kind of became obsessed with goal setting about 20 years ago in a job that I was in when I worked in the corporate world. I worked at a Big 4 accounting firm and I had a very harsh supervisor, which was one of those seasons where my self-esteem was getting chipped away at every single day just because of his management style and the things that he would say and do. And so I was determined that I was going to meet his expectations for the next year, and so I started setting goals. Well, we always had to set goals for work, which is normal. Everybody thinks -- kind of has to do that. That's just something that you do.

But we don't think about it as much in our own personal life. What we do is we dream. We wish things were different, we dream about things being different. We envision something being the way we want it to be, but then we forget to make an action plan for getting there. And that's what's really different about this book than some of the other books that I've written prior to this, is they're all encouraging and motivational and I want to help women, and often men, overcome a lot of the things that they're dealing with, but I want "God's Got You" to inspire people to stop thinking and stop wishing and stop dreaming and start doing. If you want your life to be different, if you want yourself to be different, whether it's losing weight or changing careers or overcoming something like a divorce or the loss of someone or just something -- that lifequake that's happened, if you want things to be different, then you have to make a plan for that, because otherwise we will stay stuck and we will stay blinded to what can be.

So in that position so many years ago, I had created this goal-setting binder, printed out all the goals that I had for the year, personal, professional, all the things. And every single time I did something to meet one of those goals, or if I achieved one of them, or if I did some little small step that got me closer to meeting it, I would record it in this notebook. So at the end of the year, I had this whole notebook of things that I had done, most of which I would have forgotten, you know. But I could also celebrate my achievements, and it just helped me see how far I had come. And I think that's important, because we often don't realize -- we feel stuck still where we are, like we're not making progress. But if we have record of how far we've come, we can think, okay, well, I may not be where I want to be, but I'm not where I was.

And so that's where this whole concept of SMART goals, which was created back in the '60s by some really, really smart men -- and I can't remember their exact names at the moment. But it's just an acronym that we can use for goal setting. So real quickly, the S stands for specific, simple, sensible, significant. M stands for measurable. So have a tangible way to track your progress. A stands for action oriented. What are you going to do to start taking these steps to make things happen? R is realistic. We want to dream big, but also be realistic, otherwise we're kind of setting ourselves up for disappointment. And T is time bound. And that's something we really don't do.

And I'm saying that because I'm speaking of myself -- and I think most people would relate -- that we don't say, okay, well, I really want this change to happen and I want it to happen by X date. And so then work backwards, and here's how I'm going to make that happen. So doing that in our own life is so important, because otherwise we'll just feel like we keep spinning our wheels, or we'll get frustrated or discouraged, or other things in life will take precedence, and we lose sight of those goals, whether it's something we want to achieve or something we need to overcome.

And goal setting has just become something that's very important to me. And just the sheer thought of trying to follow through on things without having an action plan, it's kind of like a builder wouldn't build a house without a blueprint. Well, we can't build the life that we want and achieve the things that we want if we don't have any blueprint for how to get there. So it's just as important in our personal life as it is in a professional life.

Jennifer Rothschild: All right, our people, to repeat, the SMART goals are specific, measurable, action-oriented, realistic, and time bound.

KC Wright: And let me just repeat something that Tracie said too. Don't just dream about your life; make an action plan. Stop wishing, start doing

Jennifer Rothschild: Ooh. That was worth repeating.

KC Wright: I think the Bible says faith without works is dead.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: You got to do something.

Jennifer Rothschild: I'm telling you.

KC Wright: #dosomething

Jennifer Rothschild: Tracie was speaking my language today for sure when she talked about writing down your goals and recording how far you've come. This does build confidence, and it helps you grow in courage.

KC Wright: So the first goal for you is to get her a book.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes. Amen.

KC Wright: And we're giving one away. But either way, you need to buy it. Go to the Show Notes at 413podcast.com/342 to get her book. And you can also go to Jennifer's Instagram @jennrothschild to enter to win.

You know, this was so good and practical, and I could even relate a lot in so many things here. And it reminded me of your book as well, Jennifer, "Take Courage" --

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: -- the Bible study on Haggai.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes. I thought the same thing. If you don't know about my "Take Courage" Bible study, it's a study of the Book of Haggai, and it deals so much with changes, uncertainty, disappointment, and just, well, doing what the Bible says, take courage and do the thing. But we'll also have a link to "Take Courage" on the Show Notes also.

All right, our people. Now, we know this might have woken up some difficulty in your heart that maybe you were trying to just keep sleeping. But if that's the case, do not fret. God is with you. This lifequake you are going to survive. And if you know somebody who's in one, be encouraged, they will also, and we can all be a part of just trusting God with the whole thing. So you can do it, because you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. I can.

KC Wright: And you can.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes, you can.

KC Wright: Yes. Life is hard; God is good.

Jennifer Rothschild: God is good.

KC Wright: Hey, I'll never forget going to a Fresh Grounded Faith conference, sitting up in the balcony because not too many --

Jennifer Rothschild: Because there were so many girls and you're the only boy.

KC Wright: Not too many men go to those.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, yeah.

KC Wright: You have to hide up in the balcony.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: And there was my soul sister, Jennifer Rothschild, on that stage at that church, and you were preaching take courage. And you were absolutely used by God to minister to my heart.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, thank you, Lord.

KC Wright: I was so good.

Jennifer Rothschild: Thank you, Lord.

KC Wright: I remember messaging you afterwards going, "Can I have your notes?"

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, yes, you can.

KC Wright: I need your notes.

Jennifer Rothschild: You can preach anything I preach.

KC Wright: Because it was a salve for my wounded, broken soul, and man. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for allowing God to use you.

Jennifer Rothschild: His word is good.

KC Wright: Amen.

Jennifer Rothschild: Thank you, bro.