Jennifer Rothschild Show: When Your Answered Prayer Is NOT What You Expected with Melissa Miller

**NOTE: This transcript was generated by AI and may contain errors, misspellings, or mistranslated words.**

Melissa Miller: And I think sometimes we don't realize that when we pray big prayers, it comes with big answers, which comes with big adjustment periods. So to be able to learn how to give myself grace in a feeling when I didn't feel like I had permission to admit how much I was struggling, because I was afraid people would say, well, you prayed for this, you wanted this, you know, you chose this.

And so to be able to learn how to give myself grace and lean into God during that time and calm my nervous system, I learned so much and changed I think personal change fatigue is just as valid.

Jennifer Rothschild: Welcome to The Jennifer Rothschild Show. This is where thoughtful people come to grow, and that's why you're here. And today, author Melissa Miller, she's going to help us think and grow by offering biblical wisdom, neuroscience, and practical tools to help us navigate the seasons That often follow answered prayer.

Hmm. Yeah, sometimes it's not easy. In fact, Melissa says, just because something is blessed doesn't mean that it comes without a mess.

Amen. Well, you are about to understand the 4 seasons of blessings and get a framework to live whole. So, let's grow.

Well, hey friends, uh, I hope you're having a good day today. I'm actually on the road. We are on tour right now, and I'm at the Hope of Heaven Tour.

I'm with Kelly Mentor, and we are traveling through the Carolinas and Virginia. So if you're close by, I'll have a link on the show notes because we would love for you to come celebrate the hope of heaven with us. You love Kelly Mentor.

So do I. Y'all, we have so It was such a beautiful time together, just celebrating not just that heaven is the place we're going someday, but it's the reality we can live today. That is the hope that we need.

And so, I'm not even gonna talk too long to you about anything this morning because y'all need to hear from my new friend, Melissa. It was a super good conversation and an interesting paradigm about blessing. She's really gonna unpack that there are 4 seasons of blessing.

I'd never thought about this before, and I want you to really think about it also. So, let me tell you who she is. She is a self-proclaimed family girl.

She's the author and a Reboot Retreat facilitator. This is something she's done. You'll wanna check it out.

I'll have it on the show notes also. She's married. The woman's got 5 children.

She's written this book, and she lives in Tennessee. Now, I gotta tell you something really fun about her though. Melissa says that just one more chapter is a perfectly reasonable bedtime strategy.

And Melissa, I must agree. And I think you guys probably do too. All right, my friends, I want you to enjoy this conversation I had with Melissa Miller.

[INTERVIEW BEGINS]

All right, Melissa. I'm glad we're talking about your new book because in the first chapter of your book, which is called But I Prayed for This, you share this whirlwind— like, it made me need a nap, okay?— about adopting 2 kids, starting a new career, relocating, like, all at once. Okay, so I want you to walk us through this scenario, this season for you, and specifically, I want you to talk to us about change fatigue because it's a thing.

Melissa Miller: Yeah. Yeah, I never expected the answer to my prayers to be one of the hardest times in my life. And I've been through some very hard times.

But sometimes when big life changes all happen simultaneously, we don't realize the impact that that's gonna have on our nervous systems, right?

Jennifer Rothschild: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Miller: And so I had relocated all the way across the country from California to Florida. I had stepped into a new job and I had planned on adopting. My husband and I had been waiting to adopt for 5 years, but the Lord took us in a different direction and we ended up adopting a sibling. from foster care.

So it was 2, not one.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hmm.

Melissa Miller: And so there was so much adjustment all at once that I found myself feeling like I was overwhelmed and I was drowning and I was living someone else's life and I was disoriented. And I felt so guilty because these were all the things that I prayed for.

And so, you know, wrapping myself in guilt and realizing that that wasn't really serving me and that wasn't really helping me move forward, I really had to start to do some research.

And the only thing that I could find that came close to what I was experiencing was the term change fatigue. And change fatigue is actually a term used for organizations and businesses, where they talk about how employees get tired of one change coming after another, and they start to grow tired and kind of feel resigned and checked out. And that was the only term that I felt like really described what I was experiencing.

I wasn't depressed. I wasn't hopeless. I wasn't in a crisis.

I wasn't in a tragedy. But I was experiencing change fatigue. I was just exhausted from all the life changes happening all at once.

And I think sometimes we don't realize that when we pray big prayers, it comes with big answers, which comes with big adjustment periods. So to be able to learn how to give myself grace in a feeling when I didn't feel like I had permission to admit how much I was struggling, because I was afraid people would say, well, you, you prayed for this.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Melissa Miller: You wanted this, you know, you chose this. And so to be able to learn how to give myself grace and lean into God during that time and, and calm my nervous system, I, I learned so much. And change fatigue is— I'm just stealing that term.

I think personal change fatigue is just as valid.

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, in the business of being you as, as your, your boss and your employee, you're both, there's a lot going on, a lot of change. And so yeah, to adapt, the constant adapting. You're right, it's absolutely exhausting.

And I'm glad you mentioned how it affects our nervous system, because in a little bit I want us to talk about that. But this reminds me of something you also talk about in your book, that, that you introduced this framework, okay, called the 4 Seasons of Blessing. Because what you're just describing, it was a blessing.

Melissa Miller: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: But it was hard, right? So you talk about the 4 Seasons of blessing. I want you to break this down and help us to understand that.

Melissa Miller: Yeah, as I went on and continued to do research for the book, I started kind of dropping that term out to other people that I knew and seeing if they maybe were experiencing some change fatigue too, or what their stepping into God yes looked like. And I started to notice some commonalities, and I basically broke them down into 4 seasons. And the first season is a season of blooming.

And I think that's what we all expect an answer to prayer to feel like or be like. And I can look back and I can look at times in my life when I was fully blooming, I was content and peaceful, and everything went according to plan, and everything was smooth, and my nervous system wasn't dysregulated. And it was just kind of those seasons of life we want to push pause on.

And I think, kind of like the prayer of Jabez, it says God granted his request, period, end of story. There was like nothing else after that. Like, wouldn't that be nice?

Right?

Jennifer Rothschild: Right.

Melissa Miller: But oftentimes, we find ourselves in one of the other seasons of blessing, and the next season is a season of building. And that's when your answer to prayer came with a whole lot of hard work. And maybe you felt like you were supposed to be living the dream, and you are living drained and overwhelmed.

And, you know, I talk about in the book of Nehemiah, how his answer to prayer was such a meaningful assignment for him, and yet he found himself wondering how in the world they were going to remove— move all the rubble. And they said that the workers were so weary, and so exhausted, they were struggling.

And most of the book of Nehemiah is about that messy middle journey of living in God's yes, and having it be harder and more labor-intensive than you ever imagined.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Melissa Miller: Even though there was blessing and spiritual renewal at the end, and all of those things, you know, sometimes there's those seasons when we step into a dream, and we realize, okay, wow, this is really stretching me to my limits.

And so I have a story in there about one of my sisters who entered a really rigorous graduate program, and she was in her, her office, her manager's office, regularly having panic attacks. And so sometimes, you know, these, these experiences can be really isolating because this is what she chose.

This was her dream school. She wouldn't pick another path.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hmm.

Melissa Miller: But yet it was stretching her to her limits. And, you know, I wanted to provide a safe place for those who are in that season of building to admit that there's a weight to it. And then there's the season.

Oh, you wanted to say something?

Jennifer Rothschild: No. Well, I just, I, I wanted to affirm that because I'm glad you did that, Melissa, because I think sometimes we think, well, I have the capacity for building. I'm gonna keep building.

But then there are times when our body's like, whoa, sissy, you, you, we need, you don't like, let, we gotta calm down here. And we just, sometimes our brain and our, we gotta We gotta trust our bodies. And so, yeah, I've had those seasons where all is going well, but yeah, the panic is crazy sometimes and you just don't— you gotta listen to your nervous system.

Okay. All right. This is so good.

Okay. So blooming, building. What's the third season?

Melissa Miller: Then the third season is a season of balancing, and that's when everything is right on the outside, but wrong on the inside. My friend Brianne, she started searching post-wedding depression because she couldn't explain why she felt so off on the inside, even though there was nothing wrong with her marriage or her wedding or her husband. And she couldn't explain the tears.

And I think sometimes that there can be a lot of guilt involved in that, that we should feel different. We should feel different maybe after that baby is born, but you sink into postpartum depression, or you should feel different, you know, after you entered that dream. And, and now you have these confusing feelings to sort through.

And so, I talk about in the scriptures how maybe Moses should have felt honored to be chosen as Israel's leader. And instead, he felt really insecure. And I can really relate to Moses.

I felt like when I adopted that I was going to feel like I was made for this. I was adopted, my husband was adopted. I thought I was going to step into it feeling like I was, you know, the woman from The Sound of Music.

Like, I really had this expectation, like I was gonna wake up and read them wholesome literature every morning and bake zucchini bread. And I just had these expectations of the kind of mom that I was going to be. And the reality was stepping into it, I felt really in over my head.

And so, I can relate to those in a season of balancing. Sometimes it's not a disappointment in your circumstance, it's just the way that you feel when it arrives. And those can be really confusing seasons.

And then the 4th season is a bittersweet season. And I talk about this in light of the people who have stepped into a blessing, and they were maybe thrown a curveball right at the same time. And it kind of feels like emotional whiplash.

Like, you have this blessing that you're celebrating, and yet this hardship or this trial or this curveball did not check your calendar before it arrived. And you have 2 things going on, and it's like celebrating one moment and grieving the next. And that also can be a really confusing experience.

You know, we think about Elijah when he had that big victory in ministry, and then, you know, within a short timeframe, he was hiding because he got a death threat.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Melissa Miller: And he was no longer celebrating, you know, he was asking God to take his life. And so, I use a story in the book about my friend Hannah, who she got the baby boy that she prayed for. But when she woke up from the C-section, and from that experience, they had to do an emergency hysterectomy, and she almost died in surgery.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hmm.

Melissa Miller: And so she wakes up celebrating this new baby boy, and then also trying to grapple with the fact that she would never be able to give birth again. And so those seasons are weighty and confusing.

And I don't feel like when I was doing research, that there was a lot of information or resources out there for the people that found themselves in one of these seasons, the blooming or the balancing, the building, or the bittersweet seasons.

And I really wanted to provide language for people to describe their experience and be able to drop the guilt because we are humans.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Melissa Miller: God designed us as human beings with real nervous systems that really respond to the things around us and to what we're experiencing. And to be able to offer that to somebody who maybe needed some grace in their hard time, when they're maybe isolating and maybe not admitting to anybody how much they're really struggling, which is really why I wrote the book.

Jennifer Rothschild: Listen, Melissa, I just want to say, I love this framework. I appreciate that you've given language to it, because I agree with you 100%. We don't know.

And sometimes what we're uncertain about, especially as believers, we just think, well, I should feel differently, so therefore I feel guilty, so therefore I will not share. And what you're saying is, here's language. Everybody finds themselves in one of these seasons from time to time.

And gosh, sometimes it can happen at the same time.

Melissa Miller: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: And so it's okay. Let's talk about this. And I love that you've provided a resource.

Because I know you walk through these very specifically with the reader. You did mention something though that I do want us to circle back to— expectations. Okay, that's a big deal.

And in your book, you mentioned a concept called reward prediction error. Okay, I'm going to say it again for our listeners: reward prediction error. All right, interesting concept.

I want you to explain this and tell us how it applies to us.

Melissa Miller: Well, I'll be the first to admit that I had some unrealistic expectations. Like I said, I was not Maria von Trapp from The Sound of Music and, uh, Mary Poppins like I expected to be.

I, uh, I definitely entered into a very humbling season, and I, I had 5 years that gathered up and expectations of what I was gonna be like and what it was gonna feel like and and the reality is we got— all 7 of us in my family got hit with COVID the first week of placement.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh.

Melissa Miller: So not only am I still kind of trying to wrap my mind around a relocation and the weight of that and a new job, I was trying to show up and be my best when I felt like my worst and trying to navigate virtual school and all the social workers and all the different language of foster care and attachment and trauma. And I was just in over my head.

And the reward prediction error, what I discovered is when you start to begin to stack up expectations of what something good that's coming is going to look like or be like or feel like, and the higher and the more specific your expectations gain, what happens is, is when your brain doesn't get that payoff, the dopamine drops from the height of your expectations.

And so—

Jennifer Rothschild: Man.

Melissa Miller: I ask readers, what did you expect? Not because I'm being accusatory. Because Friend to Friend, I can look back and realize where my expectations were not in line with biblical expectations.

Because we are designed to expect, we are designed to have faith, we are designed to believe in the goodness of God and in various promises in Scripture. But we can get really off course when we start to create in our mind some very specific expectations that are not in line with what God promises in Scripture.

And so I really help readers -- you know, I call it What to Expect When You're Expecting. We all probably remember that old pregnancy book. We are expecting something. So let's make sure our expectations actually align up with what Scripture says we can expect.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, wow. Okay, huge. That's so huge.

I always tell myself and my people, let's have our expectations rise to the level of grace. Because you just— we expect the best, but oh, you got to have it line up to the level of grace, which gives a lot of breathing room for disappointment and joy all at the same time. That's super practical and super good.

All right, in your book also, you emphasize the power of prayer walking, which I love. And so you share that there's this scientific research behind it. I want you to tell us about this.

How— what's the connection between the brain science, the scientific research, prayer walking, and how this can impact us?

Melissa Miller: Oh yeah. craving walking during my time of change. Like, I couldn't explain it, but I had to walk sometimes multiple times a day. And I didn't even realize how much science there was to back up the benefits of walking.

And then what began as walking became prayer walking. And now I'm combining the scientific benefits of prayer as well as inviting, you know, heaven to earth. And so I began to really experience some really great breakthrough moments with God during prayer walks.

And, you know, Dr. David Rossmann, he's a psychologist and Harvard medical professor, explained that prayer can actually soothe our nervous system, quiet the fight-or-flight response, and reduce emotional reactivity and anger. And walking has similar benefits. And I talk about all the science behind walking in my book as well.

And it says that 3 minutes a day of walking will cause blood pressure to decrease. 20 minutes outside improves mood, and 90 minutes outside can reduce the number of depressive thoughts. And there, it helps the brain. And there's examples in there of how it helps the brain.

And I didn't realize until later on, oh, that's why I was craving walking. That's why during my season of absolute dysregulation in my nervous system, that I needed to walk because there were files in my brain that just needed to be pulled out and processed with God. And it became a rhythm in my life that I really look forward to, especially when I'm experiencing something confusing or experiencing something that really I need to take to the Lord and I'm uncertain about.

I can go on a prayer walk and really remember that God's got this.

Jennifer Rothschild: So during that season, when you just craved it, you just thought, I've got to walk. I mean, clearly, what a beautiful thing, how fearfully and wonderfully we're made, that God gave you that impulse, that drive, that craving, because He knew that that would be the way.

Melissa Miller: Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Rothschild: To satisfy the need. Okay, so that was— I'm gonna use the word reactive. Now that you've understood it and you've seen the benefit in your life, is it a discipline?

Is it something you're proactive about, or do you still just do that when you feel the need?

Melissa Miller: At this point, we live in a bit of a different neighborhood that isn't as good for walking, but I do find myself sometimes going and walking the trail that we have nearby. I have to drive to it about 10 minutes, but it's about a 45-minute trail and it's outside in beautiful nature. And if I'm in the right season, not winter.

I'll go walk that trail. And sometimes I won't even have headphones or anything because I've just learned to enjoy the space, the quiet, the, the slowing down, and not always feeling the need to have content in my ears and just to be with the Lord.

I also found that I love pickleball, and that was something new that I discovered when I was in my season where I realized I needed a hobby outside of the house because the inside of my house had become—

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Melissa Miller: Um, the party place for all the kids.

Jennifer Rothschild: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Miller: And so I, I do still have that habit and that rhythm in my life because I think we all need to find something that allows our brain to just turn off and focus on whatever it is that is nonessential in that moment. And that became pickleball for me. And I think it's different for every person.

And I have a whole chapter that kind of provides a menu for people because I realize, Jennifer, what refreshes me might not refresh you, or what helps me turn my brain off might be different for you. And so, you know, you're in those seasons where you can't even think beyond your next meal, like, it's helpful to have that all laid out for you of just options. Like, you can circle, I think this might be helpful.

Maybe it's not pickleball, but maybe it's something else. And, and so I really wanted to do the thinking for the readers so that they can walk away with some really practical help.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, that's generous because you're right, when you're in that season, you can't make one more choice. It's just easier to pick one. That's super helpful.

All right, so there's something I can't wait for you to unpack. Okay, the W-H-O-L-E, Framework for Emotional and Spiritual Health. Okay.

You've gotta walk us through these rhythms. I wanna know what each letter stands for and what—

Melissa Miller: Okay. Yes, I'd love to. Yeah.

So I discovered that I have been through various coaching certifications and different things in my life, and some of them really prioritize the different domains of life, but I had never really had a framework that kind of felt like it was, it covered all the domains that I think need to be covered for me personally. And so I created this little breakdown that's whole.

W is wellness, that's for your physical health.

H is heart, for your emotional health.

O is outlook, for your mindset.

And L is life with God, for your spiritual health.

And E is engagement, for your relationships.

And so really, it's a way to look at how God loves all of you, the whole of you, not just the part of you that goes and has your quiet time and reads your Bible, but he wants to take care of all of you and wants to make sure that the whole of you is, is, is prioritized.

And sometimes, you know, even a good therapist will tell you, you can't even process a Bible verse if you're still dysregulated or having a panic attack and you haven't taken care of your body first.

And so sometimes there is, is times in our life where we need to remember that we are a whole being and remember that God wants, God wants all of us, right? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.

And, and that's really what that chapter does, is it just breaks down each domain of our life and gives you, like I said, kind of a menu to choose from of things that you can do either daily, weekly, or monthly to prioritize that particular domain in your life.

Jennifer Rothschild: I appreciate that so much because it's true. I mean, I have learned that after all these years, I— you cannot just pick one. We, we are a whole being.

And that's beautiful. Um, and so practical. I love practical.

Okay, so somebody's listening and they're like big time resonating and like they're having what I will just call for this conversation a Melissa Miller moment where they are stepped into something that they're like, what in the world just happened? I prayed for this. I wanted this.

This is good stuff, but it's so hard. Okay. So what would you say to this person who stepped into that chapter?

Things are harder than they thought and they're starting over or just having to deal with all this change fatigue. What is the first step that they can take to just to find some stability and joy in this unfamiliar territory?

Melissa Miller: Well, I think first is a prayer walk, and not just a prayer walk, but the kind of prayer walk where you pour your honest heart out before God and you allow him to meet you right where you're at, not right where you think you should be.

And I think that's sometimes the pitfall that we fall into when we're praying, is that we wrap ourselves up and package our prayers up and package what we think God wants to hear us say, rather than just allowing him to meet you right where you're at. That is where transformation can begin, is when we get honest with ourselves and with God about where our heart really is at.

And that gives God the opportunity to transform it, right? He can't transform it if we're just pretending that it doesn't need to be transformed. And so, um, that's, I think, step one.

And I think one really super practical rhythm that I put in place was I started to realize that I had pizza night on the calendar for Sunday night. And I started to realize that that small little non-negotiable on my calendar at the time was giving my brain something to look forward to. It was maximizing what researchers call the anticipatory brain, where your brain is anticipating something before it comes.

And I think that's why God calls us to not just have a Sabbath, but He says, remember the Sabbath, right? Remember that that day of rest is coming. Your brain and your body respond to if they know something good is coming and some day of rest is coming.

It's like it helps enable us to make it through the hard days when we know we've got some non-negotiables on our calendar that are coming up that we can look forward to. Maybe it's pickleball, maybe it's church on Sunday, maybe it's your small group, maybe it's date night.

Whatever it is, being able to put even small things on your calendar that you can look forward to so that allows you to give yourself something to look forward to on the days that feel really heavy or hard.

Jennifer Rothschild: This is so practical. You are my kind of girl. You know, I even do that with travel.

Like, my husband and I are at the stage of life where we have the ability now to do a big trip a year, and literally I think about that trip every day, practically. I plan it, I do little things. I mean, I'll even be like, what am I gonna buy when I go to Istanbul?

I mean, little things.

Melissa Miller: I love that.

Jennifer Rothschild: But it does— it helps me go there before I get there and enjoy the benefit of being there before I leave. And that is super healthy for me mentally because I escape. And my brain just loves it.

I can tell. Okay, my friends listening, uh, obviously this book is going to be teeming with practical resources, and I can just tell friendship from a coach who's been there. So I highly recommend your book, Melissa.

I'm super thankful, and I just cannot wait to hear the answer to this question because this is our last question. And this is where thoughtful people come to grow. Clearly you are a thoughtful person.

Clearly, you have experienced so much growth. So can you give us just one habit, one perspective, one action, anything you want that has helped you? We want to know just one thing that has really helped you grow.

Melissa Miller: Well, besides prayer walking and the things that I already mentioned, I would just say finding a come-as-you-are friend, because seasons like that can be very isolating, and you need at least one person that you can go to where it's a judgment-free zone.

They know you, they know your heart, they know that you're not a complainer, you're not ungrateful, but you have an honest space to call and say, hey, I think I need some prayer today. And I was able to find a come-as-you-are friend.

And looking back on the hardest moments of the season, I remember I would go to my patio and call her, and she was in a similar season. There, there was moments she needed to call me, or sometimes it was just we'd text each other a little prayer emoji, and we knew what that meant.

Jennifer Rothschild: Mm-hmm.

Melissa Miller: We knew that we were going to pray for each other. And so I think don't go on Don't go on the journey alone. Make sure that you have someone that you can open up to and they can help you carry the weight.

[INTERVIEW ENDS]

Jennifer Rothschild: All right. Did you catch that? Melissa said that what has helped her grow, besides prayer walking, is finding a come-as-you-are friend.

That really hit me. who just show no judgment and just are safe, just safe to talk to and be with. And you know what it reminded me when she said that? I literally just had an experience this week that really caused me to tear up.

In fact, you'll get a kick out of this. I've talked about her before and written about her, my friend Kim. I've had my nails done for probably 20 years, not really because I care about my nails, but because I care about Kim.

And we just have a dear friendship. And so, we were talking of— I don't even know what we were talking about. It doesn't matter.

But she just, like, in the middle of it, interrupted, and she said, Jennifer, you are my no-effort friend. I started to cry. She started to cry.

Kenzie, my assistant, who's young, walks in. We're crying. Kim looks at her. And by the way, Kim and I are in our 60s. And Kim says, I think we're on our periods. Sorry, men.

Anyway, I think we're on our periods because we were both crying. But it was because it was just one of the sweetest comments. It's what Melissa's talking about, a come-as-you-are friend.

And for me personally, it was super meaningful because I'm blind and I feel like I create a lot of effort for my friends. So for her to call me a no-effort friend, wow. No-effort friends, come-as-you-are friends, they help us grow.

So if you don't have one, be one. Be one. Become one for someone else. It'll change your life.

All right, my people. Man, what a good conversation. I know you wanna read her book. I know you wanna read the transcript. I know you know where to go. So go to the transcript. At the show notes, find all you need there and have a wonderful week. Optimize every minute.

Keep thinking, keep growing. I'll see you next week.