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Years ago, when Phil was finishing up his Ph.D., we had a little money, a little time, and a little boy. All in all, it was really a happy season of life—with one little exception.
Actually, it wasn’t so little.
I was overwhelmed with stress and couldn’t figure out how to manage it.
Ever felt like that?
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I remember the summer before I went off to college. My mom and I spent every day preparing me to go.
We shopped for a new wardrobe and bought furnishings for my dorm room, including a much-coveted rainbow comforter. I also spent several weeks in “mobility training”—that is, learning to walk with a cane so that I would be as self-sufficient as possible in my new setting.
“What do you guys think of Jennifer Rothschild?”
That was the opening question of a post that I should not have read!
A friend told me she had spotted my name, so I decided to check it out. But, when I read the rest of it, I felt like a balloon when the air is being sucked out of it—deflated and scrawny.
As I stood there in the guest room, I panicked.
Even though I’d turned on both dresser lamps, I couldn’t detect any light. Usually, I could recognize at least a little light with my left eye.
I placed my hand on one of the bulbs to make sure it was working. It was warm. If the lamp was on, the problem wasn’t the light bulb.
My heart sank when it hit me.
This could only mean one thing—the few fragments of retina I once had in my left eye were now gone. It’s not like there was real vision there, to begin with, but at least it wasn’t the vast blackness of nothing at all.
On February 18th, my whole world changed. My hero dad closed his eyes to this world and opened them to heaven.
I had no idea grief felt so much like fatigue. I didn’t know it would make me feel hollow. My brain knew what death was, but my heart was unaware that death was such a tearing—and an emptying.
Even though it’s been a few weeks, I am still stupefied by the fog I am walking through. It just feels thick and like life should be in slow motion.
There are some things we carry around that are way too heavy. They weigh down our spirits. They crush our hearts. They dampen our joy. They are heavy — way too heavy to carry.
Heartache. Sorrow. Stress. Rejection. Illness. Loneliness. Loss.
