4:13 Podcast: Can I Figure Out My Own Love Language? With Dr. Gary Chapman [Episode 389]

Gary Chapman: But what it does is not only give you your primary secondary love language like that, but it also tells you, in your primary language here is your primary dialect. There might be two or three or four dialects in speaking this particular language, but here's the one that's most important to you. And that is very insightful about yourself.

And when you're sharing this information with your partner, for example, in a marriage, man, it's really important to know not only the language, but also the dialect within that language that's most important. And then what's the second most important?

Jennifer Rothschild: Dr. Gary Chapman has helped more than 150 million people discover their own love language. I'm curious, do you know yours? Well, discovering it, though, is just the beginning. Love is not one size fits all, because what says "I love you" to one person might not mean a thing to another person.

So on today's episode, Gary Chapman is going to reveal why love often gets lost in translation and how learning to speak the right dialect of a love language at the right time is the key to deeper connection. So whether you're dating, married, or seeking to deepen lifelong friendships, this conversation will give you tools for all your relationships. Plus -- guess what? -- you're going to get to figure out your own love language.

And lastly, when we're done, I thought that I would just sing over you a song that I wrote for my stud husband since it's, you know, near Valentine's Day and all.

So, KC -- (singing) love is in the air -- let's go.

KC Wright: Welcome, welcome to the 4:13 Podcast, where practical encouragement and biblical wisdom set you up to live the "I Can" life, because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Now welcome your host, Jennifer Rothschild.

Jennifer Rothschild: Hey, friends. Jennifer here. It's me and KC Wright here in the podcast closet, and our goal is to help you be and do more than you feel capable of as you're living the "I Can" life of Philippians 4:13.

This might be a fun weekend for you, Valentine's weekend, or it might not be quite as fun. What did you once call Valentine's Day?

KC Wright: Single Awareness Day.

Jennifer Rothschild: Single Awareness Day. And you know what? A lot of my best friends are not married. They are single women. And, yeah, I hope that all of the single people out there are not seeing this as an indictment on a lack of relationship, but a celebration on the diversity of relationships. Some of our best friends -- you know, I told you about my tattoo that I got a few weeks ago.

KC Wright: Yeah, yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: I went with my BFFs, and all three of them are single. And we all three got our tattoos together and had the best weekend ever.

KC Wright: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: So even if you call it Single Awareness Day, just know that this is about all of our relationships.

And let me say this too, KC.

KC Wright: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: If people have done the love languages -- you know, cause it's like 20 years old -- this is different. This is deeper.

KC Wright: Oh, okay.

Jennifer Rothschild: He's going to slightly different -- it's like he deepened it with tactics and dialects. And I did the assessment, and I'm telling you, it taught me so much about myself. Even though Phil may know that my love language is words of affirmation --

KC Wright: Yes.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- sometimes it just feels shallow to me, and now I understand why --

KC Wright: Wow.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- because it's a different dialect that he is speaking than the one that I need to hear. Okay, that's your tease.

But speaking of words of affirmation --

KC Wright: Good tease.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- and relationships, we've gotten the sweetest reviews, and we just got to shout out to some of these people we love. Okay. The one that was posted on Apple Podcasts, why don't you read that one first. And then we've got an email.

KC Wright: "The Best of the Best" is the title of this from precious Sherry Meyer.

Jennifer Rothschild: Sherry.

KC Wright: Love you.

Jennifer Rothschild: Thank you, Sherry.

KC Wright: "Jennifer and KC pack an incredible punch," she says. "Their podcast perfectly blends faith, humility, laughter, love, and everyday realities. I tune in faithfully and always feel motivated to do better and be better in my spiritual journey. The only fault I can find is purely my own. While recently running a half marathon, I was completely engrossed in their amazing content and I neglected my pace. It was my slowest half marathon ever. A testament of how captivating their podcast is. I am grateful to have them running alongside me in this marathon called life. This is a warm hello from Melbourne, Florida. Please pass along our love as well to the wonderful Dr. Phil."

Jennifer Rothschild: Isn't that the sweetest?

KC Wright: So sweet.

Jennifer Rothschild: I'm telling you, these -- listen, I'm happy to be running along with Sherry. That will be the only running I will do, Sherry.

KC Wright: Right. We only run unless there's a bear chasing us.

Jennifer Rothschild: Or unless there's a really good sale at Target or Starbucks is giving away half-price drinks.

KC Wright: We are on the way. Right, right.

Jennifer Rothschild: Anyway, sweet words of affirmation. But really what it shows is just the relationships.

KC Wright: Yeah, yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: And I'm so grateful.

Okay. Did you read all of them, or is there one more?

KC Wright: By the way, every time you leave a podcast review, you are saying Amen to the podcast, and each review is like a little -- it's like a stone being thrown in a pond and it gives a ripple effect and helps us reach more for Jesus. And so thank you so much for leaving the reviews.

Now, these came in through the emails.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

KC Wright: Yes. And this one just says, "Many thanks to you for your teaching, Jennifer, for all the years you've given us your wonderful teaching. You and KC, by the way, on the 4:13 Podcast are always so joyful and encouraging, with your Bible teaching so amazing and wonderful. Thank you for the interesting and helpful interviews on the variety of topics to explore God's Word."

You know, the other day somebody was going through something, and they were sharing with me, and I'm like, "I think we have a podcast on that." I got to pull out the Rolodex of my memory. I'm like, "Yeah, we do have a podcast on that."

Jennifer Rothschild: Probably so, yeah. And you got one more there. Let's just give her a shout out.

KC Wright: So that one was from Nancy. And this one is from sweet Lisa. And Lisa just took some time out of her busy day to send a little email that said, "Thank you for your podcast. They are always so uplifting."

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, thank you, Lisa.

KC Wright: So thank you.

Jennifer Rothschild: Your words are uplifting. Y'all, I just -- thank you for your friendship. So many of you have been with us from the beginning. Or maybe you've just found us in the last few months, but you've gone back to the beginning -- I've heard that from many people -- and you're just listening and -- listen, we are so grateful for you. You are part of our 4:13 family. We love you. And I just hope you know this -- especially this weekend of all weekends, you are absolutely loved. And I wish we could all be shoved in this closet together and you could just feel how much KC and I genuinely appreciate and --

KC Wright: Yes.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- affirm and love you.

And this conversation, I think, is going to be super helpful. And speaking of people we love, Dr. Gary Chapman. He has been such a steadfast voice for us as believers when it comes to relationships, so I think you're going to really benefit from what the good doctor has to say today.

KC Wright: It truly is an honor to have him on the podcast. Dr. Gary Chapman is an author, speaker, pastor, and counselor. He has practiced family counseling for more than 30 years, and his nationally syndicated radio programs air on the Moody Radio Network. You're going to learn a lot today. So get ready, the doctor is in.

Jennifer Rothschild: The doctor is in.

KC Wright: Here's Jennifer Rothschild and Gary Chapman.

Jennifer Rothschild: All right, Gary. I've been looking forward to this conversation because I personally just did the love language assessment. But for those people who might be listening right now, who are brand new on Planet Earth, they may not know that you are known for the love languages. This book, I believe it was first published -- the first book was, like, in 1992. I was a newlywed. I remember this 'cause Phil and I --

Gary Chapman: Oh, yes, that's correct.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, we read it. I remember.

All right. So this concept, though, might be new or unfamiliar or just need a refreshment to some people. So just give us the general idea. What is love languages, and what are specifically the five love languages?

Gary Chapman: Okay. Well, the basic idea is that what makes one person feel loved doesn't necessarily make another person feel loved. And I discovered that in my counseling, where one of them would say, "I don't feel loved by my spouse," and the other one would say, "I don't understand that. I do this and this and this and this. Why would you not feel loved?"

So eventually I went through my notes, because I heard this over and over again in my office, and asked myself -- and read the notes that I made when I was counseling and asked myself, when someone said, "I feel like my spouse doesn't love me," what were they complaining about? And their answers fell into five categories.

And I later called them the five love languages and started using the concept in my counseling. That if you want her to feel loved, you've got to learn to express love in her language. And if you want him to feel love, you've got to learn to express your love in his language.

So here are the five languages I discovered. And these are no particular order. But one of them would be words of affirmation. "You look nice in that outfit." "I really appreciate what you did." "You know one of the things I like about you?" It's just using words, you know. There's an ancient Hebrew proverb that says life and death is in the power of the tongue. So affirming words is for some people their love language.

And then number two would be acts of service, doing something for the other person that you know they would like for you to do. In a marriage, that might be such things as cooking a meal or washing dishes or vacuuming floors or mowing grass or walking the dog or changing the baby's diaper. Okay? That's a big act of service.

Jennifer Rothschild: For some, yes, for sure.

Gary Chapman: And then number three would be gifts. It's universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The gift says they were thinking about me. Look what they got for me.

And then number four is quality time. Giving the person your undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on the couch watching television together. Someone else has your attention. I'm talking about sitting -- the TV is off, the computer is down, we're not answering our phone. We're giving each other our undivided attention. You don't have to be sitting down. You can be taking a walk together for that matter.

And then number five is physical touch. We've long known the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick up babies, hold them and kiss them and cuddle them. Long before the baby understands the meaning of the word "love," the baby feels love by physical touch. So in a marriage, this would be such things as holding hands and kissing and embracing and the whole sexual part of marriage. And arm around their shoulder. Driving down the road you put your hand on their leg. You know, if they're walking by you at the house, you just trip them, you know. I'm kidding, Jennifer.

Jennifer Rothschild: I knew you were.

Gary Chapman: Let's not tell people to trip their spouse. Okay?

Jennifer Rothschild: Trip their husbands or start fights? Yes.

Gary Chapman: But those are the five. And the basic concept is that out of those five, each of us has what I call a primary love language, that is, one of these speaks more deeply to you than the others. All of them are fine. But if you don't receive love in your primary language, you will not feel loved, even though they may be speaking some of the other languages.

Jennifer Rothschild: That makes so much sense. And I'm glad we reviewed it too. Because there are some listening who, you know, like me, have known about this for many years. But just getting the refresher, just knowing something doesn't mean we practice it. So this is a good refresher.

But I also am mindful, Gary, there's someone listening, and maybe she or he is not married or in a romantic relationship. So here's the question. Do these five love languages, do they apply also to friendships or family relationships or work colleagues?

Gary Chapman: Yes, absolutely. In fact, I wrote a book especially for single adults. It's "The 5 Love Language for Singles." And I apply this to your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your college roommates, your dating partners, your work associates.

And then I also wrote one especially for work relationships. It's called "The 5 Languages of Appreciation In The Workplace." We use the word "appreciation" because work relationships are different from home relationships or family relationships. But it's the same basic concept. And if you want people to feel appreciated at work, you have to learn which language communicates to them.

Now, we did find in the workplace, almost no one had physical touch as their primary language. Okay? And all of the HR people said, "No, no, no --

Jennifer Rothschild: Amen. Right, right, right.

Gary Chapman: -- we don't touch at work."

Jennifer Rothschild: No. That's so funny. But that makes so much sense. Because it is, it's an avenue, it's a way to esteem someone. And, man, do we all need it, because we've all got this thing that you also call the love tank. Okay. So tell us what the love tank is. Like what fuels it, and, like, how we can make sure our love tanks stay full. Or can we even do that ourselves?

Gary Chapman: Well, it's a metaphor. You know, a gasoline tank in a car, if it's empty, you're going nowhere. I don't care how great the car is. But if it's full, you can drive a significant amount of space if the tank is full.

So I like to picture inside each of us there is an emotional love tank. And if the love tank is full, that is, you genuinely feel loved by the other person, then the relationship is wonderful and life is wonderful. But if the love tank is empty and you feel like -- for example in a marriage, you feel like they don't love me, they wish they were not married to me, life begins to look pretty dark.

And for children it's the same thing. If children don't feel loved, there's going to be a lot more misbehavior and there's going to be a lot more breaking of the discipline rules that you have for them. So keeping the love tank full is the goal. And so if you first of all learn their primary love language and you choose to speak it on a regular basis, chances are you will keep the other person's love tank full. And if they do the same for you, that's true.

We can't really fill our own love tank. Now, obviously we have -- there is a healthy love for yourself, you know, and because we care about ourselves, we take care of what we eat, and we sleep and we get exercise and those things, you know, to enhance our health. But we're really talking about love from the other person.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. This is relationship.

Gary Chapman: And if you feel love, then the love tank is full.

Jennifer Rothschild: Got it. Okay. Well, and that makes sense. Because when everybody is operating -- reminds me a lot of -- oh, I don't know where it is in Philippians 2. Early in Philippians 2, like 3, 4, or 5, where Paul tells us to consider each other almost as more important than ourselves. Not just to look out for our own needs, but for the needs of others. That's what you're talking about here, is paying attention --

Gary Chapman: Yeah, exactly right. Exactly right.

Jennifer Rothschild: -- to others' love tanks. Okay, I love that.

Now, one of the things I think about, when you're talking about this, is if our personalities -- okay? So we might have a really driven person, or an introvert or an extrovert. Okay. Our individual personalities, do they impact or influence our love languages? Is there a connection there at all?

Gary Chapman: They interface with our love languages, to be sure. For example, let's just take the extrovert or the introvert. Maybe their language is words of affirmation. But an introvert wants to hear those words in a private setting.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

Gary Chapman: An extrovert would like for you to brag on them in front of other people.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes, yes. That makes so much sense.

Gary Chapman: So that's the way that personality interfaces with the love language. And if you don't take into account their personality -- you know, you're serious and you're genuinely communicating love, and they appreciate it, but they can also be embarrassed.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, my gosh. You just -- you have no idea. You just described my husband and me. Because even though I have a public ministry, I am an introvert. And he's very kind with words of affirmation, but when he does it in public, I about die. I just can't stand it. He does not mean that. He thinks he's esteeming me, which, of course, he is.

Gary Chapman: Yes.

Jennifer Rothschild: So I get this. But I've never really thought about that interface. That's so fascinating. Whereas, I'm married to the extrovert, and if I give him word of affirmation, I better do it on a microphone at a party, and he'll hear it really loud.

Gary Chapman: You got it, girl.

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, man. Okay. That's so interesting.

Okay. So you also talk about, in your book, that each love language has its own dialect and tactic.

Gary Chapman: Yes.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. So give us some examples of that. Like, how do we make this abstract into concrete here?

Gary Chapman: Well, let's take -- let's take words of affirmation, for example. I described them briefly. It's just simply giving affirming words to the other person. But also -- here are, for example, three dialects in terms of speaking words of affirmation. One is words of encouragement.

You know, your spouse says, "Honey, I've been thinking about starting a podcast or writing an article, you know, for a magazine." And your spouse says, "Well, tell me about that, Honey." And so you tell them about it, and they say, "You know, I think you would be good at that. Yeah, I really think -- you obviously have something to say. I think you'd be good at that." That is encouragement. They're giving him words of encouragement, and they probably will write that article or start that podcast. Because if this is their language especially, you're giving them words of encouragement.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Gary Chapman: And then another dialect is expressing appreciation for what they're doing. It's saying to the person that cooked the meal, "You know, Honey, I don't always tell you this, but I really appreciate all the meals you fix for us. You're a wonderful cook." You know, it's just looking for things about the person that you can genuinely express appreciation for.

And then another dialect is giving compliments. Something about maybe their personality. Just say, "You know, one of the things I just really like about you is your smile. When you smile, you are so beautiful." But it's giving compliments to the other person.

So those are three dialects within the framework of words of affirmation. And so it's really important not only to know a person's love language, but also to know which of those dialects is the most important for them. For example, words of affirmation is my language, it's my primary language. But the dialect that speaks to me most deeply is when my wife gives me appreciation. Because I do a lot of stuff for her because her language is acts of service. Okay?

Jennifer Rothschild: Oh, right. Okay.

Gary Chapman: So I vacuum floors and wash dishes and take out the trash. And when she tells me that I'm the greatest husband in the world, oh, man, my love tank fills up.

Jennifer Rothschild: That's such a good example. Because I'm also words of affirmation. That is my primary. And it's interesting, when my husband encourages me, man, I come to life. I appreciate compliments, but, I mean, I don't really care if my hair looks nice. But if you -- I mean, I do care. But you know what I mean.

Gary Chapman: Yeah, yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: That doesn't meet my needs. And I've never thought about that, but that's so interesting that we need to even dig deeper and learn these dialects. I really appreciate that, Gary.

Gary Chapman: Yeah. And I think that's what this new book is going to do. That's why I'm really excited about it. Because in the original book, I just mention dialects, but I didn't talk about what they were. But in the new book, we're talking about -- in all the five languages, we're talking about the different dialects within that language.

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, and what's interesting is, if that's not your native language, you need that guidance. You know, if you want to speak that language to someone else, you need the guidance of, okay, so it's not just words of affirmation, it's here's a way I can do that, you know. And sometimes we need that concrete path. So I appreciate that.

[PARTNER INTRO - Palm Beach Atlantic University]

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay, so I'm going to tell you about a certain elevator in the student center at Palm Beach Atlantic University. That's the university where Phil, my husband, and I graduated. Okay. We call it the kissing elevator because, yep, that is exactly what happened there.

Almost every Thursday night of my senior year, Phil would be on his way to a student government meeting and I would be on my way upstairs to the campus Bible study where I led worship. And wouldn't you know, we would end up in the same elevator at the same time most Thursday nights. So the doors would close, we would kiss on the way up [Kissing Sound], doors would open, and off we went to our meetings. So I've got some really fun and fond memories from my time at Palm Beach Atlantic University.

But I have something even better, a Christ centered, excellent education that prepared me for life, career, and ministry. Palm Beach Atlantic University equips students to grow in wisdom, lead with conviction, and serve God boldly. You need to check it out, because it also equips students, obviously, to find creative ways to use elevators. All right.

Go to 413podcast.com/PBA to learn more. And now let's get back to the podcast.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. Let's go to some other details, very practical details that you deal with in the book, like empathy. Okay? So what does it mean to be a good listener, and how do we know when we should, like, show our thoughts or just be quiet and listen?

Gary Chapman: Well, you know, by nature some of us are listeners and some of us are talkers. I mean --

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Gary Chapman: There are people that I call babbling brooks. They just talk all the time, you know?

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Gary Chapman: And there are others that I call dead seas, which means they can just have everything in their mind and have no compulsion to share, you know?

Jennifer Rothschild: Right.

Gary Chapman: And often they marry each other. But -- and nothing wrong with either one of those. Those are basic personality traits.

But I do think that there's a difference between just listening to someone and listening with empathy. Empathy means that as they talk, you're trying to look at the world through their eyes. You're not necessarily sitting there thinking about what you can tell them, but you're trying to -- maybe later, but you're trying right now to understand what they're saying and what they're feeling, what their perspective is whatever the topic.

So, you see, by nature we tend to -- if a person makes a statement of any kind, we come back to either agree with it or disagree with it. We say, "Well, Honey, I don't think that's right. I mean, I think you're looking at that the wrong way." And people get into arguments over that. But if they share something that maybe strikes you as not being right, rather than coming back with an answer, you say, "Well, Honey, explain that to me a little bit. I'm not sure I'm getting what you're saying."

And you keep asking questions so that eventually you can say, "Oh, now I see how that can make sense." It doesn't mean you necessarily agree with it. But when you listen to them and you keep asking questions about what stimulated them to think that way or feel that way, you can honestly say, "You know, Honey, I can see how that makes sense. Yeah, I appreciate you sharing that."

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

Gary Chapman: Then you can give your perspective, you know, "Would you like to hear my thought on that?" you know. And now if they listen to you with empathy, they're going to be able to say, "Well, I can see your perspective also."

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, and interesting, Gary, because you prefaced even that with a question, "Would you like to hear my thoughts on that?"

Gary Chapman: Right.

Jennifer Rothschild: Because sometimes the answer is, "No, I don't. Thank you."

Gary Chapman: Yeah, right.

Jennifer Rothschild: Which doesn't necessarily end well. But I'm just saying, sometimes you're not ready to hear the thought, and it's very respectful to ask.

Gary Chapman: Yeah, absolutely. We all should have to -- should learn how to develop the art of asking questions. So whenever somebody's talking, we want to come back with a question. And by nature, many of us, when somebody shares something with us, they'll say, "Well, you know, my grandmother had that same disease," and, you know, we go off on grandmother.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

Gary Chapman: Well, look, they're sharing their heart with you. You know, their mother has cancer or whatever. Far better to say, you know, "Tell me about it. How long has it been going on? And how is it affecting her or him, you know, in terms of their behavior and that sort of thing." Now they get the sense you care about them, you want to know the details of what they're sharing. Because they're sharing it because they need to share it with somebody. You know, they're struggling, they're hurting over what's happening in this other person's life.

So rather than jumping off in your grandmother who had the similar thing, keep asking questions and show them that you're concerned. And you can eventually say, "Is there anything, you know, that you think I might do? I know I don't know them, but anything you think I might do?" and now they realize, well, what you really care, you've heard them out.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, yeah. And it's so other centered, which is, you know, counterintuitive, sadly, for most of us, me included. But what a good discipline and what a Christ-centered discipline to be other centered that way. Okay, I love that.

And it isn't natural, I get that. For a lot of us, it is not natural. Because sometimes when -- I have a family member who calls me to unload. I'm the family unloader. And when they call me to unload, I am quick to fix. I'm telling them, do this, do this, and then literally next day they don't do a thing and I'm so frustrated. And I realize it's because they don't want me to fix it, they just needed to talk.

Gary Chapman: Yeah, that's right.

Jennifer Rothschild: So I'm learning to ask, "Well, how do you feel about that?" and then say, "That's interesting. How do you feel about that?" you know. And it's -- you're right. But it's a hard discipline. But it's not about me, it's about them. So that's a really good reminder. Maybe this conversation, 4:13ers, is just for me and Gary, so thanks for tuning in. But it's really helpful to me, and I know it's helpful to so many.

So let's stay on empathy, because I know in your book you talk about -- well, in fact, I just want you to unpack, what does it mean to be fluent, faltering, frustrated, or frozen in showing empathy?

Gary Chapman: Well, I think a lot depends on our personality. You know, sometimes we listen to a person talk and we have no response. You know, we're just -- we're just kind of frozen, we just -- we just listen and let them talk. Maybe we nod our heads or say, "Uh-huh." But because we don't ask questions, they don't have the sense that we're really even hearing them. And we really can walk away and ten minutes later we forgot what they said, you know?

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah. Gotcha.

Gary Chapman: So I think the whole thing of empathy -- it starts in the heart really. Because as you mentioned earlier, Jesus said about himself, the Son of Man didn't come to be served; we came to serve. And he's our model, and we're to have the same attitude toward people.

And so when it comes to empathy, we have to not, first of all, be frozen and not have any response, and we have to be, as we've already talked about, not giving them a response that jumps off into some other topic. Or also, not giving a response that says, Let me fix this for you. Let me tell you -- you know what I think you ought to do? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, you know.

And so empathy is first of all trying to see the world through their eyes and affirming their thoughts and their feelings. You know, "I can see how you could think that and I can see how you could feel that way. That makes a whole lot of sense." And then you can say, you know, "Is there anything that I might do that would be helpful to you?"

Jennifer Rothschild: That's so good. So good.

Gary Chapman: Now they really feel heard. And that's what -- if we're hurting and we choose to speak to people, whether it's a spouse or some other close friend, we're sharing because we need somebody -- to feel that somebody cares about me and what I'm going through.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah. I know there's some listening who are like, okay, this is either new to me or I need a refresher. So as they're hearing your speaking about it, they're thinking, okay, what is my love language? And so you -- and this is why we're having this conversation. You have this new assessment for love language. So tell us about The 5 Love Language premium assessment, and how is it different from that free quiz that we can all take?

Gary Chapman: Yeah. Incidentally, my publisher that runs that website told me that 165 million people have taken that free quiz.

Jennifer Rothschild: Wow.

Gary Chapman: Which is very, very encouraging.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, it is.

Gary Chapman: But what we're doing with the new quiz -- and the new quiz is not free. You have to pay for it. That's why it says premium. Okay?

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah, yeah.

Gary Chapman: But what it does is not only give you your primary, secondary, you know, love language like that, but it also tells you, in your primary language, here is your primary dialect. There might be two or three or four dialects in speaking this particular language, but here's the one that's most important to you. And that is very insightful about yourself.

And when you're sharing this information with your partner, for example, in a marriage, man, it's really important to know not only the language, but also the dialect within that language that's most important, and then what's the second most important.

So that gives you that information about yourself when you take the quiz. It also gives you your personality and information on how the personality then impacts the speaking of the love language, which we alluded to earlier in our talking earlier. So that's why I'm really excited about this premier assessment, because it's going to give you information that you didn't necessarily have before, the dialect and also how the personality interfaces with that.

And that's one thing that motivated us to write the new book, because the new book goes along with the premium assessment, and it lists -- the new book lists all the dialects on each of these things and all. So you get exposed to the idea even before you take the premium assessment. Or you can take the assessment first and then read the book. Either way, you're going to find it helpful.

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, I did it and I thought it was so helpful and very insightful, and I loved it. My husband has not yet taken it. It's interesting. I kind of wonder what his is going to be, because I wonder if -- you know, how well I understand him. So I just -- I highly recommend it. And what a great way to just love each other well, you know, and learn more about yourself and more about your partner, more about your friends, your work colleagues, your people. Your people.

Gary Chapman: Yeah.

Jennifer Rothschild: Okay. All right, so, Gary, we're going to get to our last question here. All right? And I want Pastor Gary, Counselor Gary right now. Because someone is listening and they're loving this. They're like, oh, my gosh, this is so insightful. And I love it, but I don't love how I feel right now, because suddenly I just understand why my love tank is empty and why I feel so empty and alone and isolated, or whatever their fill-in-the-blank word is.

All right. So we can't control someone else and help them fill our love tank always. So what can they do right now, you know, to finish up this opportunity and feel loved and kind of manage this emotion that they might be grappling with?

Gary Chapman: Yeah. I think what I would say to that person is remember, love starts with an attitude, not a feeling. And so think also in terms of how -- if you feel unloved, ask yourself, "I wonder how my spouse feels. I wonder how much love they feel."

And you could say to your spouse, "You know, I heard this conversation today on a podcast I was listening to, and it talked about everybody having a different love language, and that if you don't speak their love language, they don't really feel loved. And I got to thinking about us and I wonder if I'm speaking your love language. I wonder -- you know, like maybe on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love do you feel coming from me?" And let them give you a number. And then if it's a low number, you say, "Now, tell me why that would be."

And they say, "Well, you know, I don't ever hear any words of affirmation from you," or, "You're always complaining. I feel like I never do satisfy you." They may not use the word "affirmation" because they hadn't heard of the program --

Jennifer Rothschild: Well, sure, sure.

Gary Chapman: -- but they say, "I just don't feel appreciated by you, you know. It just feels like everything I do is never enough for you." Wow. They're giving you valuable information.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yes.

Gary Chapman: They're telling you that words of affirmation is their language and they're not getting it. They're getting the opposite from you. And then you say, "Oh, I need to -- tell me more about that. I want to understand this, because I really -- in my heart, I love you, but obviously it's not coming across that way."

So what I'm saying is you start with focusing on your spouse. Because if you do this, I can almost guarantee you they're going to come back -- maybe in that same conversation, or maybe tomorrow, they're going to come back and say, "You know, we talked about that love language thing yesterday, and I'm wondering what your love language is and how much love, on a scale of 0 to 10, do you feel from me?" And you can say, "Well, Honey, to be honest, it's probably about a 4." "Well, why would you say that?" And then you tell them why. Because, you know, you realize now they're not speaking your language, whatever your language is. So you can open up the conversation.

But, see, most people start with themselves and they say, "I heard this program about love languages, and I realize you're not speaking my love language." Oh, man. Now you're just driving a wedge between the two of you. No. Always start with the other person. And that's why the title of this new book is "The Love Language That Matters Most." And what is that love language? The love language of the other person. That's where you want to start. And love stimulates love. If they see you really concerned about speaking their love language, I can almost guarantee you it's going to turn their heart toward you.

Jennifer Rothschild: You heard what Gary said. Don't start with an agenda. Start with an attitude of humility. You know, that's what love starts with. It starts with an attitude, not a feeling. So if you might happen to feel unloved, think about how the other person may feel. I mean, just have enough courage to ask them, "Am I speaking your love language?" Like, how much love do you feel coming from me right now, and why?

KC Wright: It makes so much sense. If we start with focusing on the other, they will likely eventually do the same. And we want to be like Christ.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yeah.

KC Wright: He came to serve, not to be served.

Well, this is so good. And I am glad this love language concept transfers to our kids, our friends, and all of our relationships. So even if you think you know this stuff after hearing this conversation, you know you need to read the book. And you can win one right now. Go to Jennifer's Instagram to enter to win a copy, @jennRothschild. And pop over to the Show Notes at 413podcast.com/389 to read a full transcript and get links to Gary's books and Jennifer's songs, which you are about to hear.

Jennifer Rothschild: Yep. You know, KC, I actually wrote this song for a wedding way back in the day.

KC Wright: Wow.

Jennifer Rothschild: It wasn't my wedding, but it was somebody else's wedding. But, of course, Phil, my stud husband, was the person who was on my mind when I wrote it. So it is called "Through The Seasons," and it's just going to be a sweet way to end this podcast.

So enjoy and get ready for next week, because speaking of love, we have a C.S. Lewis scholar on next week talking about the friendship between C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, and you do not want to miss it. All right, see you next week.

(Singing) In the spring of our romance, I offer my heart, true as the morning, tender as the lark. Along with the hatchlings, we'll test out our wings and welcome the season our promise will bring.

Through the seasons I love you, through the seasons we'll soar, through the seasons I'll cherish you till the seasons come no more.

On the long days of summer, we'll fashion a nest, dance 'neath the raindrops and ride ocean crest. Each day like the solstice, in sunlight we'll sing and soar over valleys with hope on our wings.

Through the seasons I love you, through the seasons we'll soar, through the seasons I'll cherish you till the seasons come no more.

When the autumn wind blows in, I'll dress you in gold, while leaves fall around us and birds leave the fold. Plenty the harvest, yet empty the nest, still we'll gaze toward the heavens for we have been blessed. And when winter chill finds us and crowns us with snow, we will warm by the fire and bask in its glow. The days will grow shorter, the night will come soon, but I'll always remember my seasons with you.

Through the seasons I love you, through the seasons we'll soar, through the seasons I'll cherish you till the seasons come no more.

Through the seasons I love you, through the seasons we'll soar, through the seasons I cherish you till the seasons come no more.

Through the seasons I'll cherish you till the seasons come no more.