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On February 18th, 2018, my whole world changed. My hero dad closed his eyes to this world and opened them to heaven.
C.S. Lewis wrote, “I didn’t know grief would feel so much like fear.” I had no idea grief felt so much like fatigue either. I didn’t know it would make me feel hollow. My brain knew what death was, but my heart was unaware that death was such a tearing—and an emptying.
When I was a girl, every summer we visited my grandparents in northern Florida on the Apalachicola River. The closer we got to their house, the louder the cicadas sang and the thicker the humidity became. The sky was as black as the river that ran behind their house. On those sticky summer nights, to a little girl, it just seemed like there was only vast emptiness ahead of us.
In the vast darkness, our headlights seemed to be the only lights around. But, once we got close to Granddaddy’s house, we could see a tiny light blinking in the distance.
Granddaddy would always leave the porch light on and when we saw the porch light, we knew we were almost there.
Do you need comfort from God? Is there somebody in your life who needs comfort?
I sure did.
Last fall, I was crumbling on the inside. I didn’t feel strong at all. I traveled every weekend, and in between, I flew to Florida to be with my dad who was very sick. One Sunday morning, Phil and I headed to the airport, for probably the ninth week in a row. I had flown home the night before from Virginia super late and I was tired on Sunday morning. But, I tried to think of one good thing to focus on because I was so discouraged and felt so empty, alone and weak. “Heroes coffee!” I decided I would get a cup when I got to the airport.
It was January of 1989 when I stood in our kitchen with Darlene as she focused on that little stick that would determine whether or not I was pregnant. I was a mix of emotion. I was nervous, worried, hopeful, anxious and insecure.