If Any Woman Be in Spanx

Last Fall, I stood in my closet and pulled some pants off the rack.  Once again it was time to choose the clothes I would wear for speaking.The problem was, some of the pants I hadn’t worn since the last fall.  So, reluctantly I tried on the first pair.

What had happened?  They were a bit snug.  So, I tried on the second pair.

What had happened?  They too were a little snug—actually a lot snug!   Either they shrunk or I increased!

I stepped on my talking scale to hear if my weight had increased. It announced the same weight I was the last Fall I wore these pants? Could my scale be off?

You see, my scale talks. It uses the most dignified British accent when it announces my weight. I guess the manufacturers thought the number would be less offensive if it were spoken so politely! I sort of wish it would say, “So sorry Ma’am to tell you your weight is ___. But, wow! You are still hot!”

But, my scale really is reliable. So, I called a friend who is in her forties like me and told her my plight. “My weight hasn’t changed but my clothes don’t fit!” She quickly consoled and told me of a sure remedy.

“Go to the Intimates Department in Dillards Department store and ask for a woman named Julia. She will help you. She can make your clothes fit.”

Off to Dillards I went.

I found the intimates department, asked for Julia and within minutes the human embodiment of hope that my clothes would fit again stood before me. I told her my problem. She assured me she had just the thing I needed and asked me to wait while she went and got it.

She returned with a little package in her hands and began to give me a glowing report of the product. “You wear this under your clothes. It stretches from the top of your knees to the top of your ribs.  It will smooth everything in between.”

I held out my hands to receive this rib to knee miracle. She dropped the tiniest piece of shriveled fabric in my hands! It was the size of an infant Ace Bandage. I stretched it and thought “there’s no way a woman puts this on her body and lives to tell about it.” But, I went to the fitting room where I tugged and pulled that little piece of spandex onto my body.

Wow is all I can say. I could breathe. I was smoothed out. My rolls were flattened. My bumps were gone! I was sold. I told Julia to ring me up because I was now going to be the proud new owner of my first set of Spanx!

Spanx have changed my life and allowed my wardrobe to remain the same! I love them so much that I wrote my own verse lauding them. It’s a limerick for your listening and reading pleasure:

If any woman be in Spanx, she is a new creation.

Old rolls are tucked away,

Behold, all things have become smooth!

Amen and glory to Spanx!

Your faithful Spanx wearing friend,

Got any gut-sucking recommendations so we can all still eat our chocolate and fit into our pants?! Oh, please share.
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