Watch Out for the Negative White Rapper

negativeKnock, knock. 

The thud at my front door soon after the school bus arrived wasn’t unusual or alarming.  I simply assumed it was one of Connor’s friends from the neighborhood with a kick ball and an invitation to play. 

When I swung the door open though, I realized it wasn’t one of the neighborhood boys.  It was a male voice and with caricature like swagger, he schmoozed “Well, hello Miss America!”  I instinctively rolled my eyes. 

“Oh, Please!” I thought, “I’m 46, no make-up, standing right before you with sweats on and not falling for that empty flattery.”

“What do you need, Sir?” I asked with as much firmness as possible.  

He began to fall into a pitch he had clearly given millions of times before.  I really have no idea what he was selling because he hadn’t finished his first sentence before something very unusual came over me. I interrupted him and began this chant-like response that stopped him mid sentence.

“If you’re selling, I’m not buying; if you’re asking, I’m not giving; if you’re hoping, you’ll be disappointed because I’m not interested.”  

With that pithy pronouncement, I tried to close the door.  As the door swung toward him, he said;

“Ma’am, you’re like a negative white rapper!” 

I laughed at his remark and then told him Miss America respected his time and appreciated him for respecting my wishes.

The salesman and I parted friends. He even called out, “God bless you” as he walked to the next house.  I don’t know if that was a genuine expression of blessing he was sending my way or if it was his way of praying “God, help that terribly unbalanced white woman in that house!” 

I became inspired by my very brief opportunity to poetically express myself with “rap” like rhapsody though.  The encounter with the salesman may have only lasted 60 seconds, but it began in me a new budding rap writing career.  So, for your artistic pleasure, I included below my first full rap song inspired by the dude at the door.  (Yes, when you are a developing rapper, you call people “Dude!”)

Here’s my Negative White Rapper debut:

(You have to be very white, and supposedly very negative to do this well.  So, unless you are a pale, grouchy trained professional, do not try this at home.  And, I apologize to my friends whose skin is any other color than white.  You may not be able to do this rap well.  And if you are remotely positive or optimistic, you too will be left out of this epic anthem of rhythm less rhyme.)

I’m a neg’tive white rapper and I’m here to say

If you’re sellin’

I’m not buyin’

So just go away!

I’m a satisfied woman

I don’t need your goods

I don’t want what you’re sellin’

In my neighborhood!

Take your sales pitch and your charming self

And hock your goods to someone else.

I’m a neg’tive white rapper and this is the end of my rap with no rhyme and no rhythm!!  BECAUSE I AM WHITE AND VERY NEGATIVE SO THERE!

Good-bye, so-long, don’t come back soon or I’ll rap this song!

Bye, uh-uh; Bye, uh-uh; Bye, uh-uh … (Repeat until you lose the remainder of your audience.)

So, dude…Watch out for the negative white rapper!  She’s white, blind, hormonal and not afraid to prove she has no rhythm.

Do you have a negative white rap? How do you ask salesmen to leave? Leave a comment here.

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